INner Reflection

As an introvert, I process emotions differently. In fact, most people see me as ‘tense’ when I feel the need to go within to heal, to process, or to recharge. I guess I have that look of ‘I’ll bite your head off if you talk to me” or “Speak and I’ll hurt you” kinda look. I’m not tense, mad, upset, or angry, I simply require alone time to process what’s happening within. I am looking forward to The Restored-Soul event coming to fruition, literally creating a space without judgment, without expectation, for any and all introverts to participate. Wear or bring whatever look you have and when the time comes for you to heal, recharge and reconnect, you are welcome. You are loved, accepted, and protected!

A couple of days ago, my Mom passed away. I will write another blog post about that, maybe, but what I want to focus on today is the healing that was granted to me, through inner reflection and why it connects to procrastination.

I read an article on FB stating the reason people procrastinate was to avoid feeling the emotion that goes with accomplishment. Interesting! I’m going to rephrase the word accomplishment to core emotional patterns. Procrastion for me looks and feels more like pressure. I am usually not a procrastinator BUT when it comes to feelings, apparently I am and I feel that through feeling pressured.

I was holding a great deal of emotional stress the few weeks before my Mother’s passing and when I finally received the call she had officially died, it was a tremendous relief. She was in a state of mental and physical turmoil and for that to end was a relief that I was grateful for!

I took the next few days to process and understand what role my Mother played in my life and what core emotion I was avoiding … yep, this is where the procrastination comes in. I was in that suffocating space and the stress had to be released! It was affecting me physically and something had to give.

Because I only dealt with my frustrations, procrastination led me to feel emotionally constipated overtime. I couldn’t process it anymore, so I caved and scheduled my favorite massage person, Stephanie, and together we worked through my blocked emotions. 

My relationship with my mother was not one of a loving mother/daughter relationship. I grew up with a Narcissistic mother, and if you know anything about this personality disorder, they show up to others in whatever capacity needed to be admired. Over the years, I also believe she acquired multiple personalities, which added interesting twists to an already crazy situation. And within the last 3 years, her dementia accelerated quickly and created another dynamic that seemed impossible!

I am asked by many people how I grew up to be a normal adult. Well, as I began to understand the journey I was on, the healing aspect of knowing we are spiritual beings first, having a physical-earthly experience was key. My reference was reading the parable of the little Soul by Donald Walsch which touched my soul! This knowledge showed me she was playing a role in my life, invoking emotions that I was to learn to overcome. Now life made a lot more sense.

I know, in my conversation with God before I came to this earth, I asked to learn, TRUST. I knew I was a spiritual being, and I knew I accepted the gift of coming to this physical world to learn how to acquire this spiritual gift, Trust. I’m going to skip the 60 years of experience I could go on and on with that validates all the dis-trust I felt and experienced but those are all justified through my physical eyes, not my spiritual eyes.

I stayed distracted and procrastinated addressing these emotions and I handled the triggers within our relationship with coping skills by mastering Pride and control. I felt I had more ‘light’ than her, which is definitely Pride. What a lie, the opposite of love and acceptance! And then control, I used my excuses like me being an introvert to stay away from situations. Wow! All I can say is wow! When my eyes were open and I was OPEN to receiving clarity, I could see that trust was the core emotion that was encased in pride and control. My heart was encased with pride and control as those survival skills I learned along the way.

Can you see why I am so grateful that my Mother played this role in my life? She did play it perfectly!  But only recently, through my unblocking of stuck emotions, I could finally see her divine self and acknowledge that role with appreciation and love in a greater capacity. I now fully know who she is, so my gratitude grew immensely through that understanding. All the hurt, anger, hatred, guilt, and frustrations dissolved like sugar in water.

I stand as a witness that I am a spiritual being first having a physical experience. This beautiful plan we call life, Yes, those physical experiences are placed on our path to invoke choices through emotions. People play a role, just like they play character roles in the movies, and those roles invoke emotions as we watch and live. We can liken those roles and emotions throughout our life to the situations that come before us. For example; I can understand and relate to an abandoned child, and the courage they have to keep on going, sharpening their street smarts to navigate amongst adults in a crazy world. I can relate completely with that character. 

What I know is we have people in our lives to teach us things we’ve asked to learn.

I also know we each hold a unique spiritual blueprint, we all have psychological filters that filter all the information and emotions that we process in life, the good, bad, and ugly stuff! 

I also know everything happens for a reason and divine timing is a constant! You are exactly where you are meant to be, even if that is in the depth of chaos or ugliness. 

I also know, without a doubt, there’s a way out!

I can show you, I can teach you, but first, you must be ready. No one can force you to create a better life, no one is responsible to create a better situation for you. YOU ARE! and when you’re ready, you know where to find me …

Namaste … and remember forgiveness is a powerful first step

The Biggest​ Mistake I Realized I Made

Growing up, I felt that MY emotions were the most important to deal with, however, I was always put down and easily made to feel my feelings were stupid! As a child, of course, my feelings were the most important, right? Don’t most children have the “me, me, me” focus? I remember I was always frustrated during a disagreement with my Mom because I wanted her to understand how I felt but the fight was futile! No wonder I didn’t learn healthy conversational or listening skills. I am sorry to say I didn’t learn any of the healthy habits until much later in life, which means my children were raised with my bad habits. It’s time for ALL of us to spend our efforts learning healthy relationship skills which include strong listening and communication abilities.

The damage of being raised by a narcissistic parent has caused me as a child, now as an adult to realize I have been taught to be a conversational narcissus (by Celeste Headlee) I lived with parental narcissism for so long I learned to hide my emotions. I developed conversational narcissism because I was uncomfortable with anyone’s emotions because I didn’t know how to handle mine. Mine was undervalued so I reflected that onto others. It was painful for me when others felt bad. This article on grief was eye-opening for me because I recognized I usually drew focus away from others’ hurt and painful emotions by turning the attention back to me in many conversations, which is a narcissistic trait. I know I don’t have the disorder because I didn’t communicate with the intent I was better than them, it was my way of letting them know they were not alone. How sad to say I simply I didn’t know what else to do. Living with a Narcissistic parent, you learn quickly that your thoughts, feelings or ideas mean nothing. So, today, I am publically admitting I have been a conversational narcissist, up to this point. I apologize to my sister, my children, my husband, my friends, and anyone else who has crossed my path! If you ever felt devalued by me, I ask you to please forgive me!

I know now that I am NOT a narcissist but I did learn and picked up narcissistic tendencies. I am grateful for awareness because now I can begin to understand, one step at a time how to undo my bad habit and relearn a new one!

If you ever wonder what the long term damage is, just look up divorce statistics and notice all the broken relationships. IF you have picked up unhealthy conversational habits and are now ready to learn healthier ways to speak, listen and connect with others, there is hope! It’s never too late to break a bad habit, right?

One of the greatest quotes I picked up along the way was from Stephen R. Covey, “SEEK to understand before seeking to be understood.” Can you see how this could eliminate any narcissistic tendencies? Can you feel the powerful difference listening to another person simply to understand versus to just be heard? Learning what they are seeking to tell you by asking questions offers clarification versus jumping to conclusions? Healthy relationship skills are empowering! Let’s begin today, together with becoming the best version of ourselves. Sound good?

We each have needs and emotions to feed and if you believe you may be a conversational narcissist, your relationship may be in danger! If your companion feels like their needs are not the most important because you feel yours are, then the break down is just a matter of time. What if you believe your partner is a narcissistic listener? That becomes more difficult because one major trait of a narcissist is they are always right and do everything right. Which means you don’t know what you’re talking about! They also assign motives to how you are feeling. Susan Heitler Ph.D. shared this red flag to pay attention to, “It’s only when narcissists begin to ignore their partner’s concerns and dismiss what their partner says that narcissistic listening disorder becomes a source of distress.” I promise there is hope to undo this messy situation!

The blind side of being a conversational narcissist is you feel to be heard the other person must agree! IF they loved you, they would see your intelligence and agree! Does being heard mean everyone must agree with you? Remember, because a person didn’t agree with you doesn’t mean they didn’t hear you.

It’s truly mind-blowing to watch and the most difficult personality to live with if a child, parent, boyfriend, spouse, or a person of authority in your life has this. This is a personality disorder and I tried all of my life to make sense out of this, questioning if was there something I could do differently? The most impactful statement a counselor made to me was, “Please remember, a personality disorder IS a Mental illness and it will never make sense!” That statement allowed my brain to stop questioning and begin a process of understanding that I did not create this difficult personality and this personality disorder has no more power over me.

If you are unfamiliar with this personality disorder, consider yourself lucky. Narcissistic people have a few major things going on … 1. They are steeped in being right and everyone else is wrong. 2. Pride is a staple emotion, one that elevates them above anyone else. They are better, smarter, more right than anyone else on the planet. 3. They are masters at power-plays. Now, these are difficult to win because the game itself is the power source. 4. It’s also a coping skill that covers up some of the deepest hurt you can imagine. You see, IF they are ‘top-dog’ or dominate in any way, it’s a protective behavior to avoid any more hurt. It’s not effective because this behavior alone serves up loneliness, or thinking no-one likes me all because people avoid them like the plaque; all confirming the deepest recesses of inadequacy and worthlessness at their non-conscious level, unconsciously driving to be bigger, stronger, or more powerful!

It’s time to stop the pride, the hate, the discontent within relationships.

It IS time to find healing!

The buck stops here. Decide today to stop unhealthy relationship patterns.

IF you are ready, you found the right place. Give me a call and let’s talk about how you can be the best version of yourself and find the happiness you deserve!

More about Narcissism, click here, or click here

Love ya all tons,

Jody K