Chronic Disconnection

This is a vulnerable post. I picked up Brene Brown’s new book, Atlas of the Heart, and in chapter 9, page 152 the “Places we go when we search for connection; Belonging and Fitting in, Connection and disconnection, Insecurity, Invisibility, and Loneliness.”

I will share the points that pierced my heart. Why would I do this you ask? Because I know I am not alone in hurting.

I’m not alone holding onto unhealed trauma as I continue to move forward.

And I’m not alone in seeking positive connections while healing.

I know there are many out there that have lived their life wanting to belong, really belong. I feel it begins in the home, even as early as the womb (healing birth stories are amazing!) within our family dynamic. I remember in church singing the song, ‘Love at Home’ and hating it. Singing about bliss and no contention. WTH? Family meant contention, dismissal, and lonliness for me. That was what I was familiar with and it created how I defined love. I did everything in my growing-up years figuring out ways to belong. Be important. Be seen. Be valued and sadly, nothing comes to mind. Sure I got used to my family dynamics by turning inwards. I managed. I wasn’t in a bad situation just a disconnected one and that resulted in negative beliefs buried deep, I’m just getting to understand the consequences of them. Awareness is the first step in healing. Familiarity is not awareness!

Page 162 – a good understanding of both

Being raised by a narcissistic mother with bi-polar tendencies aka covert narcissism (a real thing, look it up) I learned lessons that have taken years to unlearn. Many years to find clarity and understanding! The visual above (I edited it for the sake of space and relevance to my post.) When I read this my heart hurt. Physically hurt

I’ll paraphrase this a little for myself. Maybe I’m paraphrasing this for you too. I hope you insert your words in place of mine for you to feel into this too.

Belonging – Jody being somewhere, at home, school, church, wherever I decide to go with the intent to feel that others wanted me there too. ‘True belonging doesn’t require us to change who we are; it requires us to BE who we are – p158’

Fitting in – me being somewhere where I want to be but no one cares one way or the other. Such as the grocery store, shopping, to the park.

How many of you seek to belong but have only found yourself fitting in? In chapter 9, Brene Brown relates to love and belonging as an ‘irreducible need for all people’ p154. Basically, central to our well-being. I can understand that so I kept reading.

After reading more I still felt numb. I read it, I get it, I understand it but it still didn’t penetrate my being, until I came to page 169.

Page 169 “Defining connection as the energy that exists between people when they feel SEEN, HEARD, and VALUED; when they can give and receive without judgment; and when they drive sustenance and strength from the relationship.” On that same page, she brought up the painful result of chronic disconnection.

WOW!

This is what pierced my heart! What hurt the most was not for me, it was for my children who were raised by a disconnected mother, me. I felt the pain for my grandchildren who are now growing up in a disconnected world too. Enough is enough!

I’ve read another book, In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts by Gabor Mate. A book on addiction and the core issue he found was a lack of connection in their lives. The connection I’m talking about is the universal truth of unity. I have been one-sided, looking to spiritually connect with my universal source, I call God. This is a great door to open but please be aware as it leads to beautiful healing but the human connection remains critical. That’s where Restored Soul comes in. Connection with like-minded women FEEDING our souls while healing. My divine nature is a manifester. My heart soars to bring others together for comfort, the comfort of connection. Not just spiritual connection but human connection. I have been so blessed to find connections with those also seeking to become their best self.

Living with a narcissistic mother – living with ANY narcissistic person, you are not seen, heard, OR valued ~ they are! I’ve also learned from Brene Brown’s book that shame is the underlying state to narcissism. I’ll let you get the book and learn more on that for yourself. You’re welcome

My chronic disconnection became my emotional filter. It’s what I knew. It’s what I understood but it was not what my soul was seeking. My life was spent hiding and protecting my emotional self from being rejected or ignored. The women you see who appear strong, self-confident, and altogether ~ are the women who crave connection but can’t find it. The other harsh thing I learned was my craving for connection actually manifested itself into perfectionism. A powerful lesson on page 172. Another ah-ha moment when I recognized my need for perfectionism was to BE good enough to be seen. Sadly, it didn’t do that because I appeared to be disconnected from others and they responded to that, seeing me as hardened. Perfectionism actually kept me disconnected.

To all those out there who are striving to stay on the ‘straight and narrow’ without allowing deviating, I’m sorry. The rigidity of life is not sustainable. God would rather you be happy, enjoying life, and at peace. You are the only one condemning yourself. God doesn’t condemn, he loves!

Restored Soul has created a space to be heard, seen, and valued without judgment. We all are Divine beings, and our events create a space that holds the light and love of acceptance for all to see themselves as beautiful beings and converge with others with the same spirit. True, pure, authentic connection.

I consider myself a chain breaker! Whose with me? Click here to send me a personal message if you’re ready

A picture a friend sent me from Facebook. I’m sorry I don’t know who to give credit to.

INner Reflection

As an introvert, I process emotions differently. In fact, most people see me as ‘tense’ when I feel the need to go within to heal, to process, or to recharge. I guess I have that look of ‘I’ll bite your head off if you talk to me” or “Speak and I’ll hurt you” kinda look. I’m not tense, mad, upset, or angry, I simply require alone time to process what’s happening within. I am looking forward to The Restored-Soul event coming to fruition, literally creating a space without judgment, without expectation, for any and all introverts to participate. Wear or bring whatever look you have and when the time comes for you to heal, recharge and reconnect, you are welcome. You are loved, accepted, and protected!

A couple of days ago, my Mom passed away. I will write another blog post about that, maybe, but what I want to focus on today is the healing that was granted to me, through inner reflection and why it connects to procrastination.

I read an article on FB stating the reason people procrastinate was to avoid feeling the emotion that goes with accomplishment. Interesting! I’m going to rephrase the word accomplishment to core emotional patterns. Procrastion for me looks and feels more like pressure. I am usually not a procrastinator BUT when it comes to feelings, apparently I am and I feel that through feeling pressured.

I was holding a great deal of emotional stress the few weeks before my Mother’s passing and when I finally received the call she had officially died, it was a tremendous relief. She was in a state of mental and physical turmoil and for that to end was a relief that I was grateful for!

I took the next few days to process and understand what role my Mother played in my life and what core emotion I was avoiding … yep, this is where the procrastination comes in. I was in that suffocating space and the stress had to be released! It was affecting me physically and something had to give.

Because I only dealt with my frustrations, procrastination led me to feel emotionally constipated overtime. I couldn’t process it anymore, so I caved and scheduled my favorite massage person, Stephanie, and together we worked through my blocked emotions. 

My relationship with my mother was not one of a loving mother/daughter relationship. I grew up with a Narcissistic mother, and if you know anything about this personality disorder, they show up to others in whatever capacity needed to be admired. Over the years, I also believe she acquired multiple personalities, which added interesting twists to an already crazy situation. And within the last 3 years, her dementia accelerated quickly and created another dynamic that seemed impossible!

I am asked by many people how I grew up to be a normal adult. Well, as I began to understand the journey I was on, the healing aspect of knowing we are spiritual beings first, having a physical-earthly experience was key. My reference was reading the parable of the little Soul by Donald Walsch which touched my soul! This knowledge showed me she was playing a role in my life, invoking emotions that I was to learn to overcome. Now life made a lot more sense.

I know, in my conversation with God before I came to this earth, I asked to learn, TRUST. I knew I was a spiritual being, and I knew I accepted the gift of coming to this physical world to learn how to acquire this spiritual gift, Trust. I’m going to skip the 60 years of experience I could go on and on with that validates all the dis-trust I felt and experienced but those are all justified through my physical eyes, not my spiritual eyes.

I stayed distracted and procrastinated addressing these emotions and I handled the triggers within our relationship with coping skills by mastering Pride and control. I felt I had more ‘light’ than her, which is definitely Pride. What a lie, the opposite of love and acceptance! And then control, I used my excuses like me being an introvert to stay away from situations. Wow! All I can say is wow! When my eyes were open and I was OPEN to receiving clarity, I could see that trust was the core emotion that was encased in pride and control. My heart was encased with pride and control as those survival skills I learned along the way.

Can you see why I am so grateful that my Mother played this role in my life? She did play it perfectly!  But only recently, through my unblocking of stuck emotions, I could finally see her divine self and acknowledge that role with appreciation and love in a greater capacity. I now fully know who she is, so my gratitude grew immensely through that understanding. All the hurt, anger, hatred, guilt, and frustrations dissolved like sugar in water.

I stand as a witness that I am a spiritual being first having a physical experience. This beautiful plan we call life, Yes, those physical experiences are placed on our path to invoke choices through emotions. People play a role, just like they play character roles in the movies, and those roles invoke emotions as we watch and live. We can liken those roles and emotions throughout our life to the situations that come before us. For example; I can understand and relate to an abandoned child, and the courage they have to keep on going, sharpening their street smarts to navigate amongst adults in a crazy world. I can relate completely with that character. 

What I know is we have people in our lives to teach us things we’ve asked to learn.

I also know we each hold a unique spiritual blueprint, we all have psychological filters that filter all the information and emotions that we process in life, the good, bad, and ugly stuff! 

I also know everything happens for a reason and divine timing is a constant! You are exactly where you are meant to be, even if that is in the depth of chaos or ugliness. 

I also know, without a doubt, there’s a way out!

I can show you, I can teach you, but first, you must be ready. No one can force you to create a better life, no one is responsible to create a better situation for you. YOU ARE! and when you’re ready, you know where to find me … www.jodykhill.com

Namaste … and remember forgiveness is a powerful first step