Chronic Disconnection

This is a vulnerable post. I picked up Brene Brown’s new book, Atlas of the Heart, and in chapter 9, page 152 the “Places we go when we search for connection; Belonging and Fitting in, Connection and disconnection, Insecurity, Invisibility, and Loneliness.”

I will share the points that pierced my heart. Why would I do this you ask? Because I know I am not alone in hurting.

I’m not alone holding onto unhealed trauma as I continue to move forward.

And I’m not alone in seeking positive connections while healing.

I know there are many out there that have lived their life wanting to belong, really belong. I feel it begins in the home, even as early as the womb (healing birth stories are amazing!) within our family dynamic. I remember in church singing the song, ‘Love at Home’ and hating it. Singing about bliss and no contention. WTH? Family meant contention, dismissal, and lonliness for me. That was what I was familiar with and it created how I defined love. I did everything in my growing-up years figuring out ways to belong. Be important. Be seen. Be valued and sadly, nothing comes to mind. Sure I got used to my family dynamics by turning inwards. I managed. I wasn’t in a bad situation just a disconnected one and that resulted in negative beliefs buried deep, I’m just getting to understand the consequences of them. Awareness is the first step in healing. Familiarity is not awareness!

Page 162 – a good understanding of both

Being raised by a narcissistic mother with bi-polar tendencies aka covert narcissism (a real thing, look it up) I learned lessons that have taken years to unlearn. Many years to find clarity and understanding! The visual above (I edited it for the sake of space and relevance to my post.) When I read this my heart hurt. Physically hurt

I’ll paraphrase this a little for myself. Maybe I’m paraphrasing this for you too. I hope you insert your words in place of mine for you to feel into this too.

Belonging – Jody being somewhere, at home, school, church, wherever I decide to go with the intent to feel that others wanted me there too. ‘True belonging doesn’t require us to change who we are; it requires us to BE who we are – p158’

Fitting in – me being somewhere where I want to be but no one cares one way or the other. Such as the grocery store, shopping, to the park.

How many of you seek to belong but have only found yourself fitting in? In chapter 9, Brene Brown relates to love and belonging as an ‘irreducible need for all people’ p154. Basically, central to our well-being. I can understand that so I kept reading.

After reading more I still felt numb. I read it, I get it, I understand it but it still didn’t penetrate my being, until I came to page 169.

Page 169 “Defining connection as the energy that exists between people when they feel SEEN, HEARD, and VALUED; when they can give and receive without judgment; and when they drive sustenance and strength from the relationship.” On that same page, she brought up the painful result of chronic disconnection.

WOW!

This is what pierced my heart! What hurt the most was not for me, it was for my children who were raised by a disconnected mother, me. I felt the pain for my grandchildren who are now growing up in a disconnected world too. Enough is enough!

I’ve read another book, In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts by Gabor Mate. A book on addiction and the core issue he found was a lack of connection in their lives. The connection I’m talking about is the universal truth of unity. I have been one-sided, looking to spiritually connect with my universal source, I call God. This is a great door to open but please be aware as it leads to beautiful healing but the human connection remains critical. That’s where Restored Soul comes in. Connection with like-minded women FEEDING our souls while healing. My divine nature is a manifester. My heart soars to bring others together for comfort, the comfort of connection. Not just spiritual connection but human connection. I have been so blessed to find connections with those also seeking to become their best self.

Living with a narcissistic mother – living with ANY narcissistic person, you are not seen, heard, OR valued ~ they are! I’ve also learned from Brene Brown’s book that shame is the underlying state to narcissism. I’ll let you get the book and learn more on that for yourself. You’re welcome

My chronic disconnection became my emotional filter. It’s what I knew. It’s what I understood but it was not what my soul was seeking. My life was spent hiding and protecting my emotional self from being rejected or ignored. The women you see who appear strong, self-confident, and altogether ~ are the women who crave connection but can’t find it. The other harsh thing I learned was my craving for connection actually manifested itself into perfectionism. A powerful lesson on page 172. Another ah-ha moment when I recognized my need for perfectionism was to BE good enough to be seen. Sadly, it didn’t do that because I appeared to be disconnected from others and they responded to that, seeing me as hardened. Perfectionism actually kept me disconnected.

To all those out there who are striving to stay on the ‘straight and narrow’ without allowing deviating, I’m sorry. The rigidity of life is not sustainable. God would rather you be happy, enjoying life, and at peace. You are the only one condemning yourself. God doesn’t condemn, he loves!

Restored Soul has created a space to be heard, seen, and valued without judgment. We all are Divine beings, and our events create a space that holds the light and love of acceptance for all to see themselves as beautiful beings and converge with others with the same spirit. True, pure, authentic connection.

I consider myself a chain breaker! Whose with me? Click here to send me a personal message if you’re ready

A picture a friend sent me from Facebook. I’m sorry I don’t know who to give credit to.

INner Reflection

As an introvert, I process emotions differently. In fact, most people see me as ‘tense’ when I feel the need to go within to heal, to process, or to recharge. I guess I have that look of ‘I’ll bite your head off if you talk to me” or “Speak and I’ll hurt you” kinda look. I’m not tense, mad, upset, or angry, I simply require alone time to process what’s happening within. I am looking forward to The Restored-Soul event coming to fruition, literally creating a space without judgment, without expectation, for any and all introverts to participate. Wear or bring whatever look you have and when the time comes for you to heal, recharge and reconnect, you are welcome. You are loved, accepted, and protected!

A couple of days ago, my Mom passed away. I will write another blog post about that, maybe, but what I want to focus on today is the healing that was granted to me, through inner reflection and why it connects to procrastination.

I read an article on FB stating the reason people procrastinate was to avoid feeling the emotion that goes with accomplishment. Interesting! I’m going to rephrase the word accomplishment to core emotional patterns. Procrastion for me looks and feels more like pressure. I am usually not a procrastinator BUT when it comes to feelings, apparently I am and I feel that through feeling pressured.

I was holding a great deal of emotional stress the few weeks before my Mother’s passing and when I finally received the call she had officially died, it was a tremendous relief. She was in a state of mental and physical turmoil and for that to end was a relief that I was grateful for!

I took the next few days to process and understand what role my Mother played in my life and what core emotion I was avoiding … yep, this is where the procrastination comes in. I was in that suffocating space and the stress had to be released! It was affecting me physically and something had to give.

Because I only dealt with my frustrations, procrastination led me to feel emotionally constipated overtime. I couldn’t process it anymore, so I caved and scheduled my favorite massage person, Stephanie, and together we worked through my blocked emotions. 

My relationship with my mother was not one of a loving mother/daughter relationship. I grew up with a Narcissistic mother, and if you know anything about this personality disorder, they show up to others in whatever capacity needed to be admired. Over the years, I also believe she acquired multiple personalities, which added interesting twists to an already crazy situation. And within the last 3 years, her dementia accelerated quickly and created another dynamic that seemed impossible!

I am asked by many people how I grew up to be a normal adult. Well, as I began to understand the journey I was on, the healing aspect of knowing we are spiritual beings first, having a physical-earthly experience was key. My reference was reading the parable of the little Soul by Donald Walsch which touched my soul! This knowledge showed me she was playing a role in my life, invoking emotions that I was to learn to overcome. Now life made a lot more sense.

I know, in my conversation with God before I came to this earth, I asked to learn, TRUST. I knew I was a spiritual being, and I knew I accepted the gift of coming to this physical world to learn how to acquire this spiritual gift, Trust. I’m going to skip the 60 years of experience I could go on and on with that validates all the dis-trust I felt and experienced but those are all justified through my physical eyes, not my spiritual eyes.

I stayed distracted and procrastinated addressing these emotions and I handled the triggers within our relationship with coping skills by mastering Pride and control. I felt I had more ‘light’ than her, which is definitely Pride. What a lie, the opposite of love and acceptance! And then control, I used my excuses like me being an introvert to stay away from situations. Wow! All I can say is wow! When my eyes were open and I was OPEN to receiving clarity, I could see that trust was the core emotion that was encased in pride and control. My heart was encased with pride and control as those survival skills I learned along the way.

Can you see why I am so grateful that my Mother played this role in my life? She did play it perfectly!  But only recently, through my unblocking of stuck emotions, I could finally see her divine self and acknowledge that role with appreciation and love in a greater capacity. I now fully know who she is, so my gratitude grew immensely through that understanding. All the hurt, anger, hatred, guilt, and frustrations dissolved like sugar in water.

I stand as a witness that I am a spiritual being first having a physical experience. This beautiful plan we call life, Yes, those physical experiences are placed on our path to invoke choices through emotions. People play a role, just like they play character roles in the movies, and those roles invoke emotions as we watch and live. We can liken those roles and emotions throughout our life to the situations that come before us. For example; I can understand and relate to an abandoned child, and the courage they have to keep on going, sharpening their street smarts to navigate amongst adults in a crazy world. I can relate completely with that character. 

What I know is we have people in our lives to teach us things we’ve asked to learn.

I also know we each hold a unique spiritual blueprint, we all have psychological filters that filter all the information and emotions that we process in life, the good, bad, and ugly stuff! 

I also know everything happens for a reason and divine timing is a constant! You are exactly where you are meant to be, even if that is in the depth of chaos or ugliness. 

I also know, without a doubt, there’s a way out!

I can show you, I can teach you, but first, you must be ready. No one can force you to create a better life, no one is responsible to create a better situation for you. YOU ARE! and when you’re ready, you know where to find me … www.jodykhill.com

Namaste … and remember forgiveness is a powerful first step

Have you ever considered that deep inside, you are just a witness, eternally silent, aware and unchanged? ~Osho

This blog is for my soul tribe!

Are you an introvert, empathic, intuitive woman? Maybe you don’t know or want to admit you are intuitive because you fear the repercussions of others finding out. You’ve already felt the disapproval of family members, maybe you feel you’re just crazy. Well, you’re not! What about feeling the disapproval within your church? Today, you have permission to stop shutting your gift down and staying silent because others don’t understand. Please stop trying to be someone or something you’re not….. therefore, my featured photo says it all! It’s time to come back to life!

Be ready to flourish into something more beautiful than you can imagine at this moment. Stayed tuned, I have a few events focused on YOU! 

Intuitive and empathic women see glimpses through the veil. Those glimpses are moments when illusions are starting to burn away. Not like a hot flame but a cool flame of awareness. It’s like seeing something no one else can see or feel. Do you say anything? Do you stay quiet? 

This awareness that is growing in you now is not the result of any conscious ‘doing’ nor do you need to struggle to make something happen. It naturally happens and I typically find it takes MORE energy to shut this gift off. Like in the movie, Frozen. Anna wore gloves over her hands and isolated herself from others. Going out in public is exhausting. Keeping the shield of being normal up, gets heavy. Small talk is more exhausting than it should be! Being in a group is exhausting! You’re maybe sensitive to others’ energy. Showing up for how the world wants you too, is exhausting! Isolating yourself is not a healthy choice. Again today, let yourself settle, allow the channel of awareness to open, let this become a center of witnessing for you. 

YOU HAVE PERMISSION TO USE YOUR SPIRITUAL GIFTS AROUND ME and to the world! 

My story? It started when I was as young as five. I knew I was different but didn’t know how I was different. I had experienced; I hear things, I sense things and that created difficult situations with others. Feeling so alienated is not a fun way to grow up. It was lonely. Why else would I do and say some of the strange things people rejected me for? Why was it so hard to participate in small talk? Maybe it was me, I was the mistake! 

I managed by saying, that’s because I have red hair. I was a rare anomaly! People would stare, people would call me names, people would accept me but not get to close. Pat me on the head and give off the energy that felt like they were thinking; see she isn’t that smart and doesn’t know what she is saying. Don’t take her too seriously! She’ll grow out of it.

For example: When I was a young girl, I could carry on deep conversations about God, the difference between our Soul and mind with adults. It was like I was good at math but in my case, I was good with the metaphysical topics. If my parents’ friends had a question, they’d come to me. After I said what I thought, they’d look at me like a true alien and ask, how do you know this? That’s a pretty deep answer for such a young girl. That would confuse me because it was natural for me, no big deal. It was like they were asking me the characters in a comic strip and I knew them, then they were surprised I knew them. 

Another example: when I was a young mother my husband and I were participating in a neighborhood group activity. I knew the other ladies but not well. We’d say hi as we saw each other but never had a seriously deep conversation that included feelings, sharing, or any ‘friendship.’ 

This one day, I got so excited because I just found out I was pregnant, (around this pregnancy is another story for another time) but I was excited because one of these other ladies were going to have a baby too, at the same time. Why was this awkward? Because she didn’t know she was pregnant yet. Oops! I swear I thought she told me, but then I thought back, when have I ever spoken to her before today? But I knew, I also knew she was going to have a boy, born on August 5th of the next year. I also knew my baby was going to be born on July 27th. I held zero doubt! … did it all happen the way I said? Yes, it did

Can you imagine the look and reaction I got from this woman? What a way to find out such news. I’m confident you are imagining the right level of horror she felt, how could I know something so personal about her? Do you think she avoided me from then on? You’d be correct. I was the weird lady now in the neighborhood. I’m confident the rumors spread to avoid me. I scared them, rightfully so. I just remember, I believed we’d had that conversation. I believed she told me. I knew the details so clearly, it scared me. But when I see that look of horror on their face, I’ve learned over the years, how to back-peddle fast!

Again, another example: When my daughter was at a friends house, it was time for her to be home. I didn’t have a phone number, and this was before cell phones, and I didn’t have an address. So I got in the car and began ‘finding’ her. My husband came along because his part was to soften the blow of his crazy wife going to strange houses late at night. I did ‘my thing.’ I drove and took roads I felt were correct and found the house I was going to go knock on the door and bring my daughter home. Now my husband got scared, he envisioned so many things that could happen. I wasn’t scared at all because I knew! I knew this was the house. So I went to the door, keep in mind, it was after 10:30 pm. I knocked. I waited and my daughter answered the door. She was shocked and then mad because I found her! My husband was shocked that I found her. I don’t think he believed me when I said I’d find her and go knock on doors that late. And for me, I just went on with my plan. Get her in the car and go home. 

First, let me say these thoughts do not come on demand! They come when I am in a space of listening, feeling, and awareness. I’ve spent years learning to understand my gifts, now it’s your turn! Why? Because I remember the exact day I gained permission from someone, who later became my treasured mentor. 

Here’s my story of when I gained permission. I still can feel the fear that ran through me! Yet, I’ll be eternally grateful she had the confidence to say I had permission to use my gift. 

You see, I was in a conference and was assigned to take care of this woman, a guest speaker. I was to get her to the event on time, take her back to where she was staying, etc. I was so efficient! I even knew when she needed to use the restroom and would go into action moving people away from her, clearing the path for her. She’d ask, how’d you know? I just did. Then one night, it was late and we were in Salt Lake City. I am not familiar with this city, AND this was before google! I knew she hadn’t eaten and it was after 10:00 pm. I was hungry too! I asked her if she could have anything for dinner, what food would she choose. She answered GREEK. This would be a test for sure! I took a deep breath and did ‘my thing.’ I drove around and the only thought that kept coming to my mind was to find, “The Other Place Restaurant” we’d eaten at several times. I knew they had good food and quite frankly, this was the only place I really knew about in Salt Lake but wasn’t even sure they’d still be open. I thought, at least we’d get dinner, right? SO we kept driving until I found it. She was so surprised and asked, “how did you find this?” Not until I looked up did I understand what she meant.

On their sign, it showed: Greek, Mediterranean, Breakfast & Brunch.

I found it! During dinner, which was so good, we talked about my intuition. I kept directing the conversation away from it but she kept bringing it back. And then on the drive back to her place, she looked at me and said, “You’re really intuitive! Why are you hiding your gift? You have my permission to be intuitive! 

I couldn’t speak for a few minutes. No one and I mean NO ONE has ever accepted me for me, until that moment. She told me more about her work and her story of knowing she was different and when she stepped into her power. It was a life-changing evening for me! 

Of course, there are many more stories I could share but I won’t, you get the idea, right?

Intuitive gifts come in different forms and different ways, do you know yours? 

Empathic gifts come in different forms and different ways, do you know yours? 

Are you curious about what it means to STEP INTO YOUR POWERFUL GIFTS?

Are you curious about what it means to AMP UP YOUR POWERFUL GIFTS? 

Can you imagine what it’s like to genuinely be heard, understood, and accepted? 

The Restored-Soul event is coming! It’s time to be spiritually refueled, recharged and reconnected! No more hiding! 

Click here if you’d like to be kept updated on

The Restored-Soul Events, coming in 2020