This is a vulnerable post. I picked up Brene Brown’s new book, Atlas of the Heart, and in chapter 9, page 152 the “Places we go when we search for connection; Belonging and Fitting in, Connection and disconnection, Insecurity, Invisibility, and Loneliness.”
I will share the points that pierced my heart. Why would I do this you ask? Because I know I am not alone in hurting.
I’m not alone holding onto unhealed trauma as I continue to move forward.
And I’m not alone in seeking positive connections while healing.
I know there are many out there that have lived their life wanting to belong, really belong. I feel it begins in the home, even as early as the womb (healing birth stories are amazing!) within our family dynamic. I remember in church singing the song, ‘Love at Home’ and hating it. Singing about bliss and no contention. WTH? Family meant contention, dismissal, and lonliness for me. That was what I was familiar with and it created how I defined love. I did everything in my growing-up years figuring out ways to belong. Be important. Be seen. Be valued and sadly, nothing comes to mind. Sure I got used to my family dynamics by turning inwards. I managed. I wasn’t in a bad situation just a disconnected one and that resulted in negative beliefs buried deep, I’m just getting to understand the consequences of them. Awareness is the first step in healing. Familiarity is not awareness!
Being raised by a narcissistic mother with bi-polar tendencies aka covert narcissism (a real thing, look it up) I learned lessons that have taken years to unlearn. Many years to find clarity and understanding! The visual above (I edited it for the sake of space and relevance to my post.) When I read this my heart hurt. Physically hurt
I’ll paraphrase this a little for myself. Maybe I’m paraphrasing this for you too. I hope you insert your words in place of mine for you to feel into this too.
Belonging – Jody being somewhere, at home, school, church, wherever I decide to go with the intent to feel that others wanted me there too. ‘True belonging doesn’t require us to change who we are; it requires us to BE who we are – p158’
Fitting in – me being somewhere where I want to be but no one cares one way or the other. Such as the grocery store, shopping, to the park.
How many of you seek to belong but have only found yourself fitting in? In chapter 9, Brene Brown relates to love and belonging as an ‘irreducible need for all people’ p154. Basically, central to our well-being. I can understand that so I kept reading.
After reading more I still felt numb. I read it, I get it, I understand it but it still didn’t penetrate my being, until I came to page 169.
Page 169 “Defining connection as the energy that exists between people when they feel SEEN, HEARD, and VALUED; when they can give and receive without judgment; and when they drive sustenance and strength from the relationship.” On that same page, she brought up the painful result of chronic disconnection.
This is what pierced my heart! What hurt the most was not for me, it was for my children who were raised by a disconnected mother, me. I felt the pain for my grandchildren who are now growing up in a disconnected world too. Enough is enough!
I’ve read another book, In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts by Gabor Mate. A book on addiction and the core issue he found was a lack of connection in their lives. The connection I’m talking about is the universal truth of unity. I have been one-sided, looking to spiritually connect with my universal source, I call God. This is a great door to open but please be aware as it leads to beautiful healing but the human connection remains critical. That’s where Restored Soul comes in. Connection with like-minded women FEEDING our souls while healing. My divine nature is a manifester. My heart soars to bring others together for comfort, the comfort of connection. Not just spiritual connection but human connection. I have been so blessed to find connections with those also seeking to become their best self.
Living with a narcissistic mother – living with ANY narcissistic person, you are not seen, heard, OR valued ~ they are! I’ve also learned from Brene Brown’s book that shame is the underlying state to narcissism. I’ll let you get the book and learn more on that for yourself. You’re welcome
My chronic disconnection became my emotional filter. It’s what I knew. It’s what I understood but it was not what my soul was seeking. My life was spent hiding and protecting my emotional self from being rejected or ignored. The women you see who appear strong, self-confident, and altogether ~ are the women who crave connection but can’t find it. The other harsh thing I learned was my craving for connection actually manifested itself into perfectionism. A powerful lesson on page 172. Another ah-ha moment when I recognized my need for perfectionism was to BE good enough to be seen. Sadly, it didn’t do that because I appeared to be disconnected from others and they responded to that, seeing me as hardened. Perfectionism actually kept me disconnected.
To all those out there who are striving to stay on the ‘straight and narrow’ without allowing deviating, I’m sorry. The rigidity of life is not sustainable. God would rather you be happy, enjoying life, and at peace. You are the only one condemning yourself. God doesn’t condemn, he loves!
Restored Soul has created a space to be heard, seen, and valued without judgment. We all are Divine beings, and our events create a space that holds the light and love of acceptance for all to see themselves as beautiful beings and converge with others with the same spirit. True, pure, authentic connection.
I consider myself a chain breaker! Whose with me? Click here to send me a personal message if you’re ready