Boundaries – Jody K

SOUL Abuse; Rejection versus Unwanted

A friend on Facebook shared her story of being abused and a part she shared pierced my heart.

As you all know, I continue to heal, layer upon layer, understanding and removing negative emotions that I’ve taken on dealing with a narcissistic mother through writing my blog posts.

Here’s what my friend wrote: “My therapist has told me that it isn’t even the severity of the abuse that determines a person’s ability to go on and heal from it, but more so whether they were believed and supported when they came forward.” ~ Katie McKenzie Peterpaul

When I read the part about being believed and supported, it hit home! Even if the rest didn’t relate to anything for me, this one part did.

This was the key that brought understanding to my soul; of course, I had to dig deeper.

You ask, how’s this going to tie in together? Good question! Let’s dissect this and figure this out together.

First, feeling unwanted or rejected are masks for something we feel emotionally deeper. That core yearning to feel others believing in and supporting our divine self. Supporting our divine nature, aka our divine motives which relate to our core character. Not the character others interpret. Just think when someone gossips something bad about you, that person who believes and supports you would NEVER believe what was said. They would have your back.

Second, It feeds our soul when others see our goodness and our efforts, during the good times and bad. We seek out those WHO see us without question, aka interpretation. We feel a deep connection to those who see us ~ It’s that unconditional love our soul seeks. Our humanness seeks it from others but our divine nature seeks to feel it from Spirit. So when we talk about trauma or abuse in the physical sense, it happens to us spiritually as well. Trauma or abuse of our soul happens when we feel dismissed and believe it as truth. When we feel judged and believe the lie. When we feel accused and believe we are bad. When our character is attacked and we think it’s justified. It’s only when we believe it, does it penetrate us. Think of pretend fighting. When a person throws a punch but doesn’t hit the person, there’s no pain. That is much like having negative feelings of judgment, dismissal, or accusations thrown BUT if that person actually hits the other person, the pain of the dismissal, judgment, accusation ‘hit’ is felt. When we believe the lie of the negative, we feel emotional pain and that pain penetrates our soul.

What hurts the most is when others you love believe and support the assigned motives over your true character; this has to be the biggest hit of them all!

We all have pain, we’ve all been hit and when we feel ready to heal, we seek ways that resonate with our soul. I could write pages upon pages of the dark holes of pain I’ve fallen into but I can also relate years of work in learning how to climb out by healing.

A good resource is a book, “The Four Agreements”

In the First Agreement, it says, “Think back to a time when you or someone you know was angry with someone else and desired revenge. In order to seek revenge, you said something to or about that person with the intention of spreading poison and making that person feel bad about him- or herself.”

I still feel the sting of hurt when a person who was angry with me and desired revenge. I believed this person believed in me and supported me ~ the deepest pain came when I shared feelings from my heart and they claimed I attacked them aka assigned me a motive to years of a friendship and spread those assigned motives they created to anyone who’d listen, yep aka gossiped. WOW! It felt like our entire relationship became an instant lie and I felt the depth of the betrayal. I could spend energy on ‘proving’ her wrong and those she told these hurtful things to but where would that take me? Yep, even deeper into a dark hole of pain and swallowing that poison she spread, all for me to be brought to her level of feeling bad about myself.

Even writing it I still feel the sting. It was like those words were a flame being thrown on sunburned skin. It hurt! And, it hurt deeply. During those times it’s ok to take a bit longer to realign to spiritual truths. Those who sincerely love you will give you space and time to realign. I can not be in charge of how they feel, I can only be in charge of what I do. I can understand they may be in a challenging position, so I won’t be taking those words personally ~ that’s the Second Agreement. It’s like I can see a wounded person lashing out. Even with that understanding, I can still be hurt.

When we feel aligned with our truths we know we are in alignment with supporting motives and if others choose to twist them, reassign them, and/or criticized them, that speaks more of their character than yours.

This is an important reason for strengthening our inner light. It gives us the strength to walk through the fiery darts of emotional wars and stay aligned.

Together we can create a beautiful New Year! Let’s surround ourselves with mature adults and speak powerful uplifting words with each other.

You may be ready to experience this level of peace; IF yes, sign up to attend the Restored-Soul Retreat! YOU ARE WORTH IT!

Can you imagine how that would affect 2021 as a whole? Let’s do this!

Sending you love & light

Jody k

Happiness Income? What does that have to do with Trauma & Trust?

What does happiness have anything to do with income? Again, I went to my analytical brain and began dissecting the idea that was forming in my mind.

First, let's get into what we know and how we feel about happiness.

Webster defines Happiness as (noun) - the state of being happy.

We hold an individual and unique definition of what happiness looks like to us. Much like fashion preferences. Some of us feel great in business attire, or dressed up, while others feel sexy and free in sweatpants and t-shirts.

Here's an exercise for you to dig a bit deeper into how happiness fits in your life. Take a scale of 1-10, define your happy moments. Those times when you felt elated (happiness on steroids) and valued (feel important at that one moment.) Isn't that what you're looking for when you seek happiness? However, I believe we hold onto the idea that IF we find happiness, happiness will heal our wounded soul it will stick around versus becoming fleeting, moment to moment. That's a huge reason most go on diets, color their hair, spend money on fashionable clothing, buy name brand things, all to be valued amongst their peers.

Second, let's define Income. Websters defines Income as money received, especially on a regular basis, for work or through investments

You know me by now - switch out the words to the definition of money and use it for rating happiness. It may sound far fetched but visualize the 'value' you place on happiness. Money is just that, an exchange of value, right? So let's use what we know. In your group of friends do you feel happy or not? Does it build you up (increase in value) or tear you down (decrease in value)?

Remember the definition of money? Combine that with (defining happiness) .... money received (receiving those feelings of happiness), especially on a regular basis (consistently feeling of value from others), for work (how happy are you with your job?) or through investments (what you invest your time in, does it bring you happiness?)

Ponder those experiences you've been remembering, those times YOU felt happy. You felt good in a great outfit, your hair went perfectly, your make-up was just right, you got the attention of someone who gave you a sense of importance. All that is finding happiness from the outside.

That's why happiness doesn't feel sustainable. It's dependent on others' reactions to you. That why finding happiness is like a hamster wheel. Sometimes your hair goes great, other times it doesn't ~ unless you're Barbie!

So in summary, happiness is like grasping air when we seek it from external sources. Isn't all we just talked about considered external when you feel happy someone loved your outfit? When you felt important and valued amongst friends?

We can all agree then, WE seek after happiness - but how do we transition to seeking happiness from within? That's the million-dollar question!

Now it's time to talk about why happiness is fleeting? I believe it's connected to life's traumatic experiences.

Webster defines trauma as trauma - 1. A deeply distressing or disturbing experience: a personal trauma like the death of a child. 2. emotional shock following a stressful event or a physical injury, which may be associated with physical shock and sometimes leads to long-term neurosis.

Gennaro Ambrosino wrote a Facebook post on November 3rd, 2020. I don't know her but her post touched me deeply. I am just recognizing how much trauma stole from me. How trauma put up barriers around my soul to NOT feel, and not receive from others. We all have stories, no one's story is better or worse than the other - TRAUMA is TRAUMA!

Trauma is like a happiness inhibitor and we all have different levels that are unique to us.

I will share her post in Red and I'll share why this hit close to home for me in Blue.

The inability to receive support from others is a trauma response. I have spent my entire life making it my life's purpose to NOT to need any support or love from others. I remember after being married seven years, my husband said, 'You still don't trust me, do you?" I'm just now, after 45 years of marriage feeling vulnerable enough to trust.

Your “I don’t need anyone, I’ll just do it all myself” conditioning is a survival tactic. I remember thinking, if I clean my bedroom one more time, my mom will notice me. Even after many years, what gave me some sense of understanding is when I realized, I can't draw water from a dry well. My mom was not capable to emotionally connecting, how does a child understand that? They don't! They figure out how to cope. And you needed it to shield your heart from abuse, neglect, betrayal, and disappointment from those who could not or would not be there for you. This, I believe was the arrow that pierced my heart. I know this to be true in my life

What was your trauma? Feel free to share your experience - not to keep you embedded in your trauma but to be freed from it. Ask any question here if you need extra support.

From the parent who was absent and abandoned you by choice or the parent who was never home from working three jobs to feed and house you.

From the lovers who offered sexual intimacy but never offered a safe haven that honored your heart.

From the friendships and family who ALWAYS took more than they ever gave.

From all the situations when someone told you “we’re in this together” or “I got you” then abandoned you, leaving you to pick up the pieces when shit got real, leaving you to handle your part and their part, too.

From all the lies and all the betrayals.

You learned along the way that you just couldn’t really trust people. Or that you could trust people, but only up to a certain point.

Extreme-independence IS. A. TRUST. ISSUE.

You learnt: if I don’t put myself in a situation where I rely on someone, I won’t have to be disappointed when they don’t show up for me, or when they drop the ball ... because they will ALWAYS drop the ball EVENTUALLY right? Sad to say, this is how I parented. My children had no idea why I did this, redoing everything they did, I'm sure they felt like their effort wasn't good enough but in reality, it was me. I couldn't accept what they did because somehow I'd lose them. I had to be needed, right? Warped thinking!

You may even have been intentionally taught this protection strategy by generations of hurt ancestors who came before you.

Extreme-independence is a preemptive strike against heartbreak. I still struggle to cry. I feel, but I don't cry outwardly. If I do then heartbreak is at the surface and I've mastered burying it! This is one of the hardest habits for me to undo.

So, you don’t trust anyone.

And you don’t trust yourself, either, to choose people. I've begun to trust spirit! I trust my intuition over trusting other people.

To trust is to hope, to trust is to be vulnerable...

...But no matter how you dress it up and display it proudly to make it seem like this level of independence is what you always wanted to be, in truth it’s your wounded, scarred, the broken heart behind a protective brick wall.

Impenetrable. Nothing gets in. No hurt gets in. But no love gets in either. I've learned a few things that have opened my heart - not wide, but open.

Fortresses and armor are for those in battle, or who believe the battle is coming. I have done a lot of energy work to bring down these walls. My fortress is much more opened and I owe that to my grandchildren! My adult children and my best friend, husband Doug.

...The good news is trauma that is acknowledged is trauma that can be healed. To heal the trauma is to learn how to seek happiness from within. Find that source of self-worth from within. It's possible! I promise you're not alone on this quest to find sustainable, lasting happiness.

Some other coping skills for trauma are addiction, weight gain, or seriously overweight, which has put your health in danger - can you see a theme? Self-destruction or slow death.

Remember: Feel free to share your experience here

Look around www.JodykHill.com and decide where you want to begin!

Energetic Connection; is that even a real thing?

Part one:

What does excellence mean to you?

What does perfection mean to you?

These are important questions to answer! We all strive to become better but why does it feel so difficult to do so? Why is it so hard for us to see any progression, or at least to recognize progression for the goals or desires we seek?

This word prompted me to find a visual that represented how we might perceive what we do consciously and non-consciously. I found the 'high' bar photo. We set our 'bar' to what we believe is meant for excellence and perfection, according to us, right?

Think about it, if I strive to lose weight to get to that perfect weight I believe I am to be, I set my bar to a number I seek to hit. Yes, technically that bar would be lowered because the numbers would decrease but you get my point, right?

Now, how do I go about accomplishing my goal? This is where Grethchen's book comes in and triggered my analytical mind.

Let's start at the beginning. I just finished reading the book, "The Four Tendencies" by Gretchen Rubin ~ here's a link to buy it if this resonates with you, and NO, I don't get any kind of kickback if you do decide to purchase it. I'm simply sharing this book with you in case you wanted to learn more about what I'm going to be talking about.

It is a different kind of personality book, and of course, I love that kind of stuff! I am fascinated with HOW people work, what influences them, and what makes the difference in whether they progress or stall out with desires.

Gretchen researched how people react to following through or is there more to this word, expectation?

Not to spoil the book but I have to at least share with you what I'm talking about, right? I'll summarize and you can read more in detail. It's a well done book! I enjoyed it.

I'll take one or two of her examples to explain.

I'm an upholder. Apparently, this is a rare personality trait. IF I fit this perfectly, I would meet external expectations (I would meet a deadline, time commitments etc) AND I'd meet my inner expectations (I would meet a commitment I made to myself. If I make a goal to drink more water, I drink more water.) My everyday life is like a programed machine.

I'm also part Rebel. Most of the time, I'm an upholder and I have no problem doing all that I want to do. I'm very structured, which people seem to think I have life all figured out but for me that's just a natural way of life. The rebel part of me doesn't like to meet external expectations OR my inner expectations. I only do what I want, not what others or myself for that matter, expect of me. I can flip off life some days and feel really good about it. Now, this doesn't happen often as an upholder but it could happen daily as a rebel.

The shadow side of expectation is equal to the original words, perfection and excellence. We uphold expectations the same as perfection and excellence. We've created a self imposed 'bar' to meet, and on the shadow side, something we believe GOD will meet IF we do 1, 2, or 3. An expectation is an attachment to an outcome. The shadow side holds conditions, self-imposed conditions.

That's an interesting word. Expectation.

Do we hold an inner desire to meet God's expectations to become as perfect as we can in this life? Do we hold an inner desire to meet society's view of what excellence means? Or do we reject what is given because it doesn't meet our expectation of what it should be?

Let me share with you what I mean by energetic statistics. Based on the movie, "The Secret," it reflects the power within thoughts. IF you thought about what you desire strong enough, it would appear in your life. This is where goal boards, dream boards all come into play. They seek to find that 'secret' to get all of what we desire most in life.

Pause your reading and spend some time writing down what you want most right now ... I'm confident there will be many different things each of you writes down. Connect with me @RestoredSoul5 on Instagram and Facebook, I go into this subject often and I always love when perspectives are shared.

It's time to find out what this Secret is to gain or get (I use the word manifest) whatever your heart desires. Yes, it is a real thing!

WARNING ONE: I will state this upfront, not to throw cold water on this exciting idea but to give you stability in understanding that using this gift is not to use it like a spoiled child to get whatever you want and if you don't get it exactly, you throw a temper tantrum. This is the response when the shadow side of expectation is in play. I know some of you reading this are guilty of that! How do I know, I've had plenty of temper tantrums. I now call them spiritual tantrums when I feel after all I can do, God still doesn't deliver what I asked for, yep, I place attachments and conditions on those situations often ... My life journey has become to understand why I do this, so I do have an answer for you. Keep reading.

WARNING TWO: When I get on the shadow side of expectation, I've learned The higher the expectation, the greater the disappointment. Read that again ~

First, you must have a few key principles you live by to be in a position to have access to manifesting as explained above. I share these principles in a FREE download I created, 3 Secrets to boost mental health.

It's yours if you want it .... lol, see what I did there? Ok, bad pun. On a serious note, it is free!

I like to call this 'secret' creation energy and I've named it Mo.

What makes Mo give you something or not? How can you get Mo to listen? How can you get Mo to follow through?

Click here for 'part-two' IF you want to learn more about Mo