Happiness Income? What does that have to do with Trauma & Trust?

What does happiness have anything to do with income? Again, I went to my analytical brain and began dissecting the idea that was forming in my mind. 

First, let's get into what we know and how we feel about happiness.

Webster defines Happiness as (noun) - the state of being happy.

We hold an individual and unique definition of what happiness looks like to us. Much like fashion preferences. Some of us feel great in business attire, or dressed up, while others feel sexy and free in sweatpants and t-shirts. 

Here's an exercise for you to dig a bit deeper into how happiness fits in your life. Take a scale of 1-10, define your happy moments. Those times when you felt elated (happiness on steroids) and valued (feel important at that one moment.) Isn't that what you're looking for when you seek happiness? However, I believe we hold onto the idea that IF we find happiness, happiness will heal our wounded soul it will stick around versus becoming fleeting, moment to moment. That's a huge reason most go on diets, color their hair, spend money on fashionable clothing, buy name brand things, all to be valued amongst their peers. 

Second, let's define Income. Websters defines Income as money received, especially on a regular basis, for work or through investments

You know me by now - switch out the words to the definition of money and use it for rating happiness. It may sound far fetched but visualize the 'value' you place on happiness. Money is just that, an exchange of value, right? So let's use what we know. In your group of friends do you feel happy or not? Does it build you up (increase in value) or tear you down (decrease in value)?

Remember the definition of money? Combine that with (defining happiness) .... money received (receiving those feelings of happiness), especially on a regular basis (consistently feeling of value from others), for work (how happy are you with your job?) or through investments (what you invest your time in, does it bring you happiness?) 

Ponder those experiences you've been remembering, those times YOU felt happy. You felt good in a great outfit, your hair went perfectly, your make-up was just right, you got the attention of someone who gave you a sense of importance. All that is finding happiness from the outside.

That's why happiness doesn't feel sustainable. It's dependent on others' reactions to you. That why finding happiness is like a hamster wheel. Sometimes your hair goes great, other times it doesn't ~ unless you're Barbie!

So in summary, happiness is like grasping air when we seek it from external sources. Isn't all we just talked about considered external when you feel happy someone loved your outfit? When you felt important and valued amongst friends? 

We can all agree then, WE seek after happiness - but how do we transition to seeking happiness from within? That's the million-dollar question!

Now it's time to talk about why happiness is fleeting? I believe it's connected to life's traumatic experiences. 

Webster defines trauma as trauma - 1. A deeply distressing or disturbing experience: a personal trauma like the death of a child. 2. emotional shock following a stressful event or a physical injury, which may be associated with physical shock and sometimes leads to long-term neurosis. 

Gennaro Ambrosino wrote a Facebook post on November 3rd, 2020. I don't know her but her post touched me deeply. I am just recognizing how much trauma stole from me. How trauma put up barriers around my soul to NOT feel, and not receive from others. We all have stories, no one's story is better or worse than the other - TRAUMA is TRAUMA! 

Trauma is like a happiness inhibitor and we all have different levels that are unique to us.

I will share her post in Red and I'll share why this hit close to home for me in Blue. 

The inability to receive support from others is a trauma response. I have spent my entire life making it my life's purpose to NOT to need any support or love from others. I remember after being married seven years, my husband said, 'You still don't trust me, do you?" I'm just now, after 45 years of marriage feeling vulnerable enough to trust.

Your “I don’t need anyone, I’ll just do it all myself” conditioning is a survival tactic. I remember thinking, if I clean my bedroom one more time, my mom will notice me. Even after many years, what gave me some sense of understanding is when I realized, I can't draw water from a dry well. My mom was not capable to emotionally connecting, how does a child understand that? They don't! They figure out how to cope. And you needed it to shield your heart from abuse, neglect, betrayal, and disappointment from those who could not or would not be there for you. This, I believe was the arrow that pierced my heart. I know this to be true in my life

What was your trauma? Feel free to share your experience - not to keep you embedded in your trauma but to be freed from it. Ask any question here if you need extra support. 

From the parent who was absent and abandoned you by choice or the parent who was never home from working three jobs to feed and house you.

From the lovers who offered sexual intimacy but never offered a safe haven that honored your heart.

From the friendships and family who ALWAYS took more than they ever gave.

From all the situations when someone told you “we’re in this together” or “I got you” then abandoned you, leaving you to pick up the pieces when shit got real, leaving you to handle your part and their part, too.

From all the lies and all the betrayals.

You learned along the way that you just couldn’t really trust people. Or that you could trust people, but only up to a certain point.

Extreme-independence IS. A. TRUST. ISSUE.

You learnt: if I don’t put myself in a situation where I rely on someone, I won’t have to be disappointed when they don’t show up for me, or when they drop the ball ... because they will ALWAYS drop the ball EVENTUALLY right? Sad to say, this is how I parented. My children had no idea why I did this, redoing everything they did, I'm sure they felt like their effort wasn't good enough but in reality, it was me. I couldn't accept what they did because somehow I'd lose them. I had to be needed, right? Warped thinking! 

You may even have been intentionally taught this protection strategy by generations of hurt ancestors who came before you.

Extreme-independence is a preemptive strike against heartbreak. I still struggle to cry. I feel, but I don't cry outwardly. If I do then heartbreak is at the surface and I've mastered burying it! This is one of the hardest habits for me to undo.

So, you don’t trust anyone.

And you don’t trust yourself, either, to choose people. I've begun to trust spirit! I trust my intuition over trusting other people.  

To trust is to hope, to trust is to be vulnerable...

...But no matter how you dress it up and display it proudly to make it seem like this level of independence is what you always wanted to be, in truth it’s your wounded, scarred, the broken heart behind a protective brick wall.

Impenetrable. Nothing gets in. No hurt gets in. But no love gets in either. I've learned a few things that have opened my heart - not wide, but open.

Fortresses and armor are for those in battle, or who believe the battle is coming. I have done a lot of energy work to bring down these walls. My fortress is much more opened and I owe that to my grandchildren! My adult children and my best friend, husband Doug.

...The good news is trauma that is acknowledged is trauma that can be healed. To heal the trauma is to learn how to seek happiness from within. Find that source of self-worth from within. It's possible! I promise you're not alone on this quest to find sustainable, lasting happiness.

Some other coping skills for trauma are addiction, weight gain, or seriously overweight, which has put your health in danger - can you see a theme? Self-destruction or slow death.

Remember: Feel free to share your experience here

Look around www.JodykHill.com and decide where you want to begin! 

I don’t want to!

How many times a day do you think or say that? How many times in your life have you heard a child say that? What comes up when you hear “I don’t want to”

“I don’t want to” can be a good thing; such as creating a boundary, setting limits, or being in charge of what you do and don’t do. You don’t have to want to do everything, but on the flip side, you don’t have to NOT want to do anything either … hehe, try saying that last part over and over, you get the idea, right?

“I don’t want to” can also be a limiting thing; such as using it to procrastinate, stay unmotivated, or using it as a big-time excuse. How many times is this used because it’s a softer way of saying, I’m scared?

Don’t you agree the difference is in the motivation behind why you say it?

Once motivation is brought to awareness, you can begin unraveling the behaviors you’ve attached.  Why is this important? Because the motivation of why you do what you do is one of the core concepts to understand when you want to change. Do you desire a better relationship? Do you want to gain greater motivation to become that better ‘self’ you’ve imagine? Do you want to figure out how to feel greater peace, confidence and joy in life but can’t figure out how you’ll find the time? Maybe your situation feels like you’re buried and emotionally dying, the good news is Restored-Soul.com understands how to create significant sustainable changes for what you are looking to find, at the core level! 

Arbinger Institute has observed through years of research, beginning with Freud that keen observers of human behavior have noticed that people often seem to resist letting go of the attitudes and emotions that make them miserable. They avoid the very thing that presumably would help them most to relieve the emotional pain they are suffering. 

This my friend is considered the power that your underlying motivation holds. What causes the resistance to better oneself? What is self-betrayal? How can you stop the pattern of starting then not following through? 

First question to answer, as an introvert, do you use your introvert-ism as an excuse? An excuse to stay back? To stay unnoticed? To stay unseen? To stay hidden? Here’s a great article to read about using introvertism as an excuse.

As Susan Cain says in her TedTalk, introverts bring extraordinary talents and abilities to the world and should be encouraged and celebrated. Check out her TedTalk here. I love how she separates being shy and being an introvert: Shy is more about social judgment, an introvert is how we respond to stimulation, more specifically, social stimulation.

Where are you on the spectrum of an introvert? Where are you when it comes to using that part of you as an excuse in life?

IF you think, say or believe any of these ….

>Knowing you have a story but too scared to tell it

>Feeling compelled to be your best self but not showing up because you have so much on your plate you can’t see how you can add anything more to life

>Feeling scared to put yourself out there because you’re not sure if you can handle taking care of all those people who might follow you

YOU are making excuses to be and stay less than you are! 

You can stay where you’re at, we honor that space. We may not agree with that space but we can still honor that space. How? Because we’ve been there and know there’s an easier way to be an introvert in an extroverted world. Jody and Kristen has  gone through the battle of figuring out how to fit in, and how to create stronger motivation to accomplish their deepest desires. There’s a way for self-care when life feels overwhelming. We know there’s no right time but you’ll know when that time is right!

At Restored-Soul, we share tools for you to be the best YOU in this world, without judgment or expectation. We share tips and ideas on how to show up for yourself and stop making excuses.  We know how to get to the core of what is blocking your motivation. There’s not a one size fits all but there are many tools and ideas to try on and see which one fits. No one said perfect but we did say, being an even better YOU today than yesterday!

Decide today to become your best self. That decision tears down all the expectations of what you think life ‘should’ look like and brings you to create a life that serves your highest self! Let YOU be enough! That means, confidence shining through for others to see YOU, your way, and in your time!

Isn’t it time to stop ‘shoulding’ on yourself? Stop making excuses and staying stuck? Together we can get to the core of what blocks you from doing the very thing you desire most. 

As Susan Cain stated: The world needs you and needs the things you carry.

As Restored-Soul states: Just BE YOU, that’s enough!

What Blocks YOU from Shining Your Light? {part 1}

What blocks you from shining your light for others to see? I reflect on Marianne Williamson’s poem, “It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.” Reading her words and asking this question has generated my spiritual journey more profound than words can describe. I am grateful and blessed to have accepted the call to become aware, no matter where that would lead me.

I ask again, “What blocks YOU from shining your light for others to see?”

I know what blocked me most of the time was my fear to be seen. I was fully aware of the pain of judgment. This judgment nurtured boundaries of distrust and disconnection. You see, if I trusted then I was vulnerable. If I connected then I was vulnerable. Knowing I was blessed with introvert-ism, I was able to adjust my spiritual practices to embrace the gifts of spiritual refueling, recharging, and reconnecting. The most significant judgment I knew I had to face was my own. I judged how I was made (why was I so different?) I judged how I spiritually replenished, I fought through many public embarrassments by ignoring the importance of being recharged. Slowly but surely I have experienced the beautiful gift of what if feels like to be spiritually refueled. Also, I have experienced the beautiful gift of connecting to amazing individuals. This is why, now… today… at this moment … the Restored-Soul Retreat has been created.

Now is the time to shift the vibrations of this planet! Today is the time to learn sustainable tools for spiritual refueling, recharging, and reconnecting! This moment is the moment to begin strengthening your inner light to shine brightly for all those who cross your path, without judgment, without fear!

Here’s a warning: If you hear that little voice in your head saying, ‘but I can’t shine my light because of …. ‘ Whatever you add to the ending of, ‘because of …’ please acknowledge right now, that’s blame. Blame is the author of distrust, disconnection, and is the most destructive tool the adversary uses against an introvert (really for any human being, no matter how they recharge!) If, ‘because of … ‘ is another person, blaming and pointing fingers at another human being is a sign for you to ask, ‘what does that other person represent to you?’ because, what they represent is a message to you of what resides within that’s ready to heal. NOW, you’ve become aware of what holds you back from shining your light as brightly as you can!

I am confident you hold deep within your soul the desire to be the best YOU, the best Mom, the best friend, the best spouse, the best ….., whatever you choose you can be, and now I ask more questions? How does that look? What stands in your way? Here’s a hint on the answer …. starts with the letter ‘L’ and is a word in the title.

We live in a time where, go-go-go is a sign of success, importance, and dedication for being your best self. I promise you, as a spiritual being first, having a physical experience, the focus of DO-ing is getting things done, but focusing on BE-ing is becoming your best!

Did you know, Faith nurtures the law of giving and receiving?

Now, during the Covid19 shutdown, your family has the opportunity to learn new behaviors on better ways to interact with each other showing greater compassion and kindness. However, I’m confident, you’ll notice more triggers coming up, deeper frustrations and dislikes flourishing, which is the opposite of love. You find yourself disconnecting to deal with all of it. You find yourself seeking new ways to stay occupied and distracted. It’s becoming clear your old coping skills to get through the day isn’t quite working, is it?

Now’s the time to take inventory of different ways that work – taking time EACH day to spiritually refuel. Does that look like reading scriptures? Does that look like 15 minutes in nature? Does it look like a few minutes of meditation with high-frequency music (852 frequency is my favorite) to ponder how can you best serve yourself and others today? Does it look like ALL of my suggestions? Or none at all? You decide because it’s not a one size fit all! Give your spouse and children time to decide too. Give them opportunities to learn what offers the greatest level of joy in their heart, a few minutes each day. Focusing on inner nurturing and connecting to source, not external activity.

I would plead with you to open your eyes and hearts to realize, as the OLD ways of interacting with each other begin to magnify, take heart and realize why they no longer work during this quarantine! Great words of wisdom, Colette Baron-Reid states, “Love is an exchange of life-force energy between two beings. It grows exponentially when it’s reciprocated. You must give AND receive for love to flourish and abundance to flow between you.”

Remember; You cannot give what you don’t have!

So if you want to give your best, you must be spiritually refueled, recharged and reconnected daily. Kindness, love, gentleness, long-suffering, slow to anger are signs you are spiritually refueled, recharged, and reconnected. NOW IS THE TIME to KNOW who you are and what your soul is seeking!

Connect with us on Instagram: #RestoredSoul5 & Facebook: @RestoredSoul5 

Together, we’ve got this! 

Love and Light,

Jody K