Natural Principles

I began reading the book Principled-Centered Leadership by Stephen R. Covey today, and he writes about Natural Principles.

I love reading and learning from others. What I learned while reading, most people strive to ‘fix’ their lives on a weekend. He speaks about the law of the harvest – meaning, you can’t plant and harvest in a weekend. It takes time and planning to have a successful harvest.

He shared, ‘Many parents take teenage rebellion and rejection personally, simply because they are too emotionally dependent upon their children’s acceptance of them, so a state of collusion is established, where they need each other’s weaknesses to validate their perceptions of each other and to justify their own lack of production.‘ (I suggest to re-read this again, these are powerful points to ponder!)

This hit home because I was one of those parents. I believe I was emotionally dependent upon my children’s acceptance of me. I gave them full responsibility to take away my power, which ended up in a state of contention. I set it up, I taught them how to treat me. Looking back I created the collusion aka contention, because I was validating my ineffective coping skill.

My ineffective coping skill was deflection: What does it mean when a person is deflectingDeflecting is a psychological defense mechanism that people use to take the blame off of themselves. When they are deflecting, they are trying to make themselves feel less bad for their wrongdoings – aka blame!

Let me explain, when Stephen R. Covey stated, ‘parents take teenage rebellion and rejection personally.’ What does rejection look like to you? Do you classify that as disrespecting you? Is disrespect really seen as not listening? What about being distracted when you are trying to tell or teach them something? What about them not jumping up on your command to come to you when called?

Is this a pattern? Does this happen often enough that your frustration level is easily met? I knew I was emotionally dependent upon my children’s acceptance of me. I held the belief that IF they’d stop, then I’d stop. How many of you hear the same thing in your homes? How many of you had a similar thought? My dependency on their behavior was directly correlated by the rules I set upon myself, from what I learned as a child. I created ‘rules’ on what love looked like as a child and carried with me in adulthood. That main rule was blame!

What rules have you created around beliefs?

What now?

What does it take to shift the contention level in your homes and heart? 

It takes a desire, then a decision, that leads to action. Desire feeds motivation, and motivation feeds decision making, and a decision feeds action. 

Once you feel you have a desire, check out what we can offer you @www.jodykhill.com. IF we aren’t the ones that resonate with you, we have many connections to guide you towards more fruitful options.

A question that gives reflection, “Do you want to be where you are in the next five years?” IF you answered no, then it’s time to make a decision. 

What would you say is the key ingredient needed to Restore Trust in yourself?

Click here for photo credit – it’s also a great article

When you see something that speaks to your heart, you spend time pondering it.

I’m going to tell you a little story. Why? Because of a quote I read.

Thank you #empathrefuge for sharing this on Instagram.

I knew the moment I read these words I wasn’t alone. That my life journey set me up to not trust myself because that is how life goes. I had so many life experiences confirming WHY I couldn’t trust myself and with each experience validating that as a truth to my soul for many years.

I am confident anyone who is reading this could share that same statement because their life experiences made trusting difficult too. However, in the end, let’s talk about ways you can release and restore that destructive distrust and safely open up to fully trusting because now you can. Again, I’ll share what set me up and the analytical thinking that got me out of this space. First, here’s the quote that started all this:

Here’s my story of what set me up that took me from zero trust to full trust.

I spend time writing out my thoughts. This shows you what my full trust looks like, um, you’re reading this right? I write to organize my feelings, emotions, thoughts, inspirations … all of it. Where the distrust began is in the irony or opposite of that statement – I’ve never been a strong writer, English is not easy for me. I should clarify, grammar is not easy for me. I think I was in my late 40’s when I realized the words ‘is and are’ meant the same thing but one was singular and the other was plural. I’ve come along way to be in a space to admit that because it was easier to hide that part of my world. My first memory was writing letters, apparently, letters with penpals were expected at seven years old. Of course, my mom began reviewing them because she didn’t want to be embarrassed which ended up with her correcting them. I swear she expected them to be a literary masterpiece and in my head, I was just writing. The idea that I was stupid was planted.

So I stopped (my coping skill).

I stopped for years (holding strong to that coping skill)

Let me take you back to my beginning of what happened after this seed of doubt was planted and how my immature thought processes nurtured this distrust over and over.

From my seven-year-old little girl self, I got by in school. I did much better in math than English. Junior high was when my challenges really showed up. I didn’t keep up, I slid along. Not sure how I passed. Maybe at that time, schools just passed all the students because that is how I remember high school too. I rarely went to my classes, I was good at hiding and not being seen.

It’s still embarrassing to tell this story of my Freshman year in college, I had just turned 18. You see, I ‘tested’ to be in the remedial English class. I wasn’t upset at that because I thought I’d actually learn how to use proper grammar. However, after pouring my heart into an assignment the instructor handed mine back with a very large F on it, then said directly to me while I was in class, “I don’t even know why you’re in here.” Well, that didn’t boost my confidence much. I wanted to run and hide. Do you think I ever wanted to write again? Would you have trust in yourself if you were me?

Why am I telling you all this? What was it about these words, in the quote above, that held such an impact for me?

The impact came because I’m always in a space ready to heal. I continue to have the courage to stop hiding. I AM ready to be heard. My journey has taken me full circle, or so I thought. I have learned to take away blame, blaming all the bad things that happened to me. I’ve overcome procrastination – one of the hardest addictions I’ve had. I had spent years giving up being a victim of my circumstances because I finally got pissed off enough to say STOP! So when I read these words and how they pierced my heart, I knew I had one more layer to release…. damn it!

Seriously, the ‘circle’ only expands, it doesn’t close. Remember, life is a journey, not a destination.

If you’re still reading this, it’s time to ask yourself these important questions:

Do you want to be heard?

Do you want to take ownership of your life and no longer be a victim of your circumstances? Good!

Those feelings are telling you it’s time to tell your inner bully it’s about to get its butt kicked.

Here goes me sharing my analytical mind and my random thinking again, my random-ness that gets my thoughts sorted out. I laugh out loud when I begin because I hear those who will read this and say, “she doesn’t make any sense or that sentence should have had a period, semi-colon, or whatever.” I visualize myself flipping them off – sorry but I am so done being told I’m stupid BUT then I want to hug them because they care… On the flip side, my heart fills with joy and gratitude for those of you who read this with their heart. Maybe you gain something from my random-ness, maybe it gave you permission to just map out your feelings to get an idea of where to start. Either way, thank you for being here!

Let’s dissect this, shall we?

Energetically you know exactly what to do in every situation

First, every time I hear, read, or see the word energetically my mind inserts the word spiritually. Energy = Spirit. Energetically = Spiritually. Can you see why I read the words written but read with my heart; spiritually I know exactly what to do in every situation?

That confirmes I’m on my correct path. I believe with all my heart we come to this earth KNOWING who we are, we have an understanding of what trials and challenges that we will face.

Now the second half: You just question it because you were taught not to trust yourself.

I don’t believe we were just dropped out of heaven, abandoned. Our life was given to parents, some parents are all with it and others are clueless. Some were a cherished gift while others were seen as an obstacle. No matter who your parents are or what they’ve done (yep, even the suckiest and rotten ones out there), they’ve done their best, period! AND …. that holds no effect of who you are and the purpose of why you are here. However, it leads one to that nagging question of why me? Am I right?

I also believe the purpose of this ‘earth’ life gives us experiences with people who play a role in our lives. Every person who crosses our path plays a role, a good or bad one. It all depends on what emotional filters we came with, what challenges we agreed to overcome, and what lessons we are to learn. Lessons are there to teach us. Are your lessons teaching you to trust yourself or not? Maybe the real question is are you distrusting YOU, LIFE, or GOD? Maybe you say you trust God but you don’t trust your intuition. Isn’t God and intuition one in the same?  Let that sink in for a minute. Powerful connection uh?

Read the definition below and see what comes up.

Dictionary’s definition: The feeling that someone or something cannot be relied upon. Doubt the honesty or reliability of; regard with suspicion

For me, I couldn’t rely upon my brain. Therefore, leading me to distrust myself.

As children, we have less life experience to understand how to handle certain situations, therefore, we create coping skills. Coping skills teach us how to handle situations based on the level of understanding we hold. Coping skills gives us something to rely on, something to trust. My coping skill of hiding began as early as that seven-year-old little girl. I didn’t know any different at that time, right? I knew I didn’t like to be judged so I avoided that situation, yep, by hiding. Does that make sense?

What coping skills do you recognize you’ve created?

I liken the idea of coping skills and explain how I see that, mixed with my belief from a story I read in the book, The Millionaire Mind by T. Harv Ecker. His story told of a person typing, printing off the paper, and reviewing it. Once a typo was found, they found ways to erase the typo. They reprinted the paper, but again the typo was found, it wouldn’t go away. His point to this story is you have to erase the typos in the blueprint, not the printout. The printout is your experience, and how you’ve processed it. You can’t pretend these experiences didn’t happen. You don’t have to go back and relive them. But, in the same breath, you don’t have to accept them either.

Here’s the secret on how to correct them. The blueprint is who you really are, the author is the one who originates the paper, right? So, I ask that you go back to source; whatever you call your higher power. I call mine God. I’m confident there are typos, but now you know how to fix them, right? To change the typos you go back to truth, which I call source. The truth you are a spiritual being having an earthly experience. The people in your life, those who have crossed your path have scribbled a bunch of lies on your paper and up to this point, you’ve believed them. Believing them keeps you in victimhood so STOP IT!

Other people are not the author of your story, who is?

Exactly, YOU and your energy, your light source, your higher power.

Here are some suggestions on how to begin shifting your mindset from printout to blueprint … once you do this, healing, understanding, awareness, acceptance all begin to flow through you.

  • Believing you are a spiritual being FIRST gives you the confidence to discern between spirit and ego. Your physical body houses the duality of energy within you. It’s not out there somewhere. It’s WITHIN YOU! Spirit is the author of a higher vibration. The ego is the author of a lower vibration. Spirit is love, kindness, acceptance, and unity. The ego is separation, fear, and conflict. Exercise: You can begin by paying attention to your inner thoughts, how many thoughts do you feel go on the spirit side, how many go on the ego side. This alone is eye-opening. Like an accounting of which energy you lean towards. Take a small notebook with you for a week and separate your pages with a line down the middle; write Spirit on one side, Ego on the other. Be aware, this takes a great deal of awareness, it’s like counting how many times you blink in a day. So if you are an ‘all or nothing’ type personality, you must know you’ll never account every thought you have, because your thoughts happen all day long. Just tally the ones that come to your awareness. Tally as many as you can, there is no right or wrong amount. Once you complete this for a week, it’ll make more sense when you hear me say, please be careful and mindful of your self-talk from now on.
  • Knowing your coping skills hold emotional attachments gives you a clearer understanding of why they are difficult to release. Exercise: write out all the labels you place on yourself. Are you a mother, daughter, aunt, sister? Do you work at home, outside of the home, what is your profession, are you a boss, employee? What labels define YOU? At #restoredsoul5 we go into all this in detail. Join us on Instagram and be the first to get all the details of what we have planned.

That should get you started. Just knowing I have the power to change MY blueprint, and no one has the power or authority to decide my feelings, my perception, or how to feel. That is on me, all of me, and I love that freedom!

The Invisible Elephant found in all Relationships; can you see yours?

When a thought hits me I am compelled to dissect it. I love when my friends share their thoughts and insights, it opens up my mind to ponder on a deeper level. My friend wrote, "If we're not enablers, it's easier to walk away from narcissists and abuse." Thank you, Kristen! 

I found this photo to offer a visual understanding of sorts that we do things unknowingly and out of habit; without awareness, negative behavior remains invisible. My title of the invisible elephant in a relationship speaks of either a healthy one or a broken one. What I know from my life experience is that a healthy relationship IS a process, but so is a broken one. The choice is yours.  I have come to believe a good relationship is when two people choose the importance of figuring out how to be emotionally healthy first aka ownership of self. This can be done together.  Meaning, the relationship doesn't have to be put on hold until one or the other party has been deemed enlightened.  It's a beautiful gift you give a relationship when it shows up as acceptance, love, and the space to evolve how it's designed to evolve. 

I've used this blog as a therapy of sorts to sift through and understand my thinking process ~ who knows, maybe one of you reading this blog analyses like me. First, a word usually stimulates my brain so I go to the word and process the definition. Second, I liken it to what I know as truth. How that shows up for me is much like an algebra equation. Silly as that sounds but what I like about algebra is you take an equation like 2+5=7, you can reverse it to receive the same answer like 7-5=2 or 7-2=5. Or 2x5=10 to 10/5=2 or 10/2=5 .... either way you process it, it remains constant. That is how I view consistency as truth.

Another example would be taking the number 6 - when you look at all angels you get a number 9 or 6, both are correct. What determines the outcome is the same, all are looking at a number. A 'number' in this case is the truth, the 9 or 6 is a perspective of that truth. 

Using this example with numbers and seeing the perspective side, some may believe by the end enabler and co-dependency is a good thing and feel grateful because when a person doesn't feel strong enough, they seek out someone to help them. This is why believing YOU ARE ENOUGH is powerful! Why? Because you are enough, you just may not feel like enough right now. 

FIRST: enabler | iˈnāblər, eˈnāblər | noun- person or thing that makes something possible • a person who encourages or enables negative or self-destructive behavior in another

codependency | ˌkōdəˈpendənsē | (also codependence) noun-excessive emotional or psychological reliance on a partner, typically one who requires support on account of an illness or addiction. 

SECOND: Reading the definition of what an enabler is, I go to the thought that we teach others how to treat us. That leads me to the Arbinger Principles, the collusion diagram.

If you haven't read the book, "The Anatomy of Peace" I'd highly recommend it. It reveals the power of ownership, the removal of blame, and the empowerment when one does that. Any challenging relationships you enter into, if you sort out disagreements with this one diagram, it's a game-changer. 

Now to offer a little bit of an explanation if you haven't read the book. Find in the picture above...

 #1 - They do. Write down what and how the other person is frustrating you and how they're doing it. Are they rude, do they ignore you, do they badger or complain as in the example? Write it all down. 

#2 - I see. Now write down all the things you see in that rudeness, when they ignore you, how do you describe their negative behaviors, what do you see.

#3 - I do. What do you do when you see this behavior, how do you react to it? 

#4 - They see. How does your partner describe your reactive behavior? Do they say you're being unreasonable? Do they call you bitchy? 

I'm going to add a #5 and #6 to this. My addition helped me see this diagram clearer. 

#5 - Go back to #1. What do you want them to do? Instead of them being rude, what would you see them doing to create happiness? What would you like to see them do instead of ignoring you? 

#6 - Do #5. Why? Because we get what we give and life is a mirror not a movie screen. 

By completing this exercise, you are identifying the behaviors you dislike. NOW let's add in the words above. 

By not communicating clearly and honestly, it means you are reacting - YOU are enabling this negative behavior i.e. Enabler! 

Can you see where ownership is a bitch sometimes? Our human nature wants to blame so much because it's easier and if the other person would change, you wouldn't have to be so frustrated or hurt by their negative behavior. 

At www.Restored-Soul.com we have empowered exercises to teach positive relationship tools. But first, YOU must be committed to understanding what taking ownership is about and the power it holds. It's ok if you don't right now, it's a learning process. And that's what we do, it's like we hold a positive emotional boot camp to get you started. 

#RestoredSoul5 fully understands that Family trauma SUCKS! Negative relationships HURT! Obligation & Expectation are suffocating! 

Co-Dependency takes it to another whole level. When you dissect this word you see it holds emotional attachments. This again doesn't take on ownership because you depend on the other person to give you what you emotionally need. 

Here are a few emotional needs we require: 

1. Being validated - if you were co-dependent you require the other person to be responsible to validate you. This is where you find a person doing things out of obligation. Some examples that may resonate with you: A young woman feels obligated to give of herself sexually to be validated. A young woman feels obligated to be the 'good one' to keep their family together. A silly one but one that most who have been in abusive situations understand clearly; IF I clean the room one more time, I'll be noticed. Obligation suffocates a person. That's a heavy burden and not an easy one to carry!

2. Being accepted - if you were co-dependent you require the other person to be responsible to accept you. When you feel you aren't liked, and you strive to do what the other person expects then you are co-dependent here. This is also what happens when emotional or personal boundaries haven't been formed. They allow others to walk all over them, or they're like a puppet being controlled. It's a difficult place to be! 

3. Being loved -if you were co-dependent you require the other person to be responsible to love you. You find this often when a young girl runs off to get married to get away from her family where she didn't feel loved OR they think children will give them what they so desperately need ~ love. The fear of deprivation and isolation is a heavy anchor for women falling into abusive relationships or staying in one. The thought process here, I've heard many times is, "Well, it may be bad but at least I'm not alone." This is a classic c0-dependent attachment. 

4. Religious Service - if you were co-dependent you require the organization to see you, especially if you see your God as a God you seek approval from, it still falls under co-dependency. Some may begin saying, but I want to be co-dependent on God but that is another whole scenario and I stand confidently, that's still not a place of ownership. 

#5 -what would you put here .... remember, just like algebra, the emotional need you put here keeps this thought process consistent. 

Being raised by a narcissistic mother, all of these examples I know all too well. I've had a great deal of emotional healing done over the years and my heart breaks for any of you reading this that is still stuck in a bad situation. I'm here for you but no one can help or guide you out of this without your commitment first to take ownership. At #restoredsoul5 we will not carry your baggage for you but we'll sit with you in a space of love and support while you unpack and release those items that no longer serve you.

Please remember: even if you remove the enabler part of a negative pattern, these emotional attachments are strong and powerful. This is where energetic connection and healing become so powerful. These are the attachments you find at the non-conscious level when you're ready to remove and promote healing replacing these attachments with emotional strength, and empowerment! 

Connect with us on Instagram @#restoredsoul5 to stay updated with us. Together we've got this! 

Namaste!