I began reading the book Principled-Centered Leadership by Stephen R. Covey today, and he writes about Natural Principles.
I love reading and learning from others. What I learned while reading, most people strive to ‘fix’ their lives on a weekend. He speaks about the law of the harvest – meaning, you can’t plant and harvest in a weekend. It takes time and planning to have a successful harvest.
He shared, ‘Many parents take teenage rebellion and rejection personally, simply because they are too emotionally dependent upon their children’s acceptance of them, so a state of collusion is established, where they need each other’s weaknesses to validate their perceptions of each other and to justify their own lack of production.‘ (I suggest to re-read this again, these are powerful points to ponder!)
This hit home because I was one of those parents. I believe I was emotionally dependent upon my children’s acceptance of me. I gave them full responsibility to take away my power, which ended up in a state of contention. I set it up, I taught them how to treat me. Looking back I created the collusion aka contention, because I was validating my ineffective coping skill.
My ineffective coping skill was deflection: What does it mean when a person is deflecting? Deflecting is a psychological defense mechanism that people use to take the blame off of themselves. When they are deflecting, they are trying to make themselves feel less bad for their wrongdoings – aka blame!
Let me explain, when Stephen R. Covey stated, ‘parents take teenage rebellion and rejection personally.’ What does rejection look like to you? Do you classify that as disrespecting you? Is disrespect really seen as not listening? What about being distracted when you are trying to tell or teach them something? What about them not jumping up on your command to come to you when called?
Is this a pattern? Does this happen often enough that your frustration level is easily met? I knew I was emotionally dependent upon my children’s acceptance of me. I held the belief that IF they’d stop, then I’d stop. How many of you hear the same thing in your homes? How many of you had a similar thought? My dependency on their behavior was directly correlated by the rules I set upon myself, from what I learned as a child. I created ‘rules’ on what love looked like as a child and carried with me in adulthood. That main rule was blame!
What rules have you created around beliefs?
What does it take to shift the contention level in your homes and heart?
It takes a desire, then a decision, that leads to action. Desire feeds motivation, and motivation feeds decision making, and a decision feeds action.
Once you feel you have a desire, check out what we can offer you @www.jodykhill.com. IF we aren’t the ones that resonate with you, we have many connections to guide you towards more fruitful options.
A question that gives reflection, “Do you want to be where you are in the next five years?” IF you answered no, then it’s time to make a decision.