Happiness Income? What does that have to do with Trauma & Trust?

What does happiness have anything to do with income? Again, I went to my analytical brain and began dissecting the idea that was forming in my mind. 

First, let's get into what we know and how we feel about happiness.

Webster defines Happiness as (noun) - the state of being happy.

We hold an individual and unique definition of what happiness looks like to us. Much like fashion preferences. Some of us feel great in business attire, or dressed up, while others feel sexy and free in sweatpants and t-shirts. 

Here's an exercise for you to dig a bit deeper into how happiness fits in your life. Take a scale of 1-10, define your happy moments. Those times when you felt elated (happiness on steroids) and valued (feel important at that one moment.) Isn't that what you're looking for when you seek happiness? However, I believe we hold onto the idea that IF we find happiness, happiness will heal our wounded soul it will stick around versus becoming fleeting, moment to moment. That's a huge reason most go on diets, color their hair, spend money on fashionable clothing, buy name brand things, all to be valued amongst their peers. 

Second, let's define Income. Websters defines Income as money received, especially on a regular basis, for work or through investments

You know me by now - switch out the words to the definition of money and use it for rating happiness. It may sound far fetched but visualize the 'value' you place on happiness. Money is just that, an exchange of value, right? So let's use what we know. In your group of friends do you feel happy or not? Does it build you up (increase in value) or tear you down (decrease in value)?

Remember the definition of money? Combine that with (defining happiness) .... money received (receiving those feelings of happiness), especially on a regular basis (consistently feeling of value from others), for work (how happy are you with your job?) or through investments (what you invest your time in, does it bring you happiness?) 

Ponder those experiences you've been remembering, those times YOU felt happy. You felt good in a great outfit, your hair went perfectly, your make-up was just right, you got the attention of someone who gave you a sense of importance. All that is finding happiness from the outside.

That's why happiness doesn't feel sustainable. It's dependent on others' reactions to you. That why finding happiness is like a hamster wheel. Sometimes your hair goes great, other times it doesn't ~ unless you're Barbie!

So in summary, happiness is like grasping air when we seek it from external sources. Isn't all we just talked about considered external when you feel happy someone loved your outfit? When you felt important and valued amongst friends? 

We can all agree then, WE seek after happiness - but how do we transition to seeking happiness from within? That's the million-dollar question!

Now it's time to talk about why happiness is fleeting? I believe it's connected to life's traumatic experiences. 

Webster defines trauma as trauma - 1. A deeply distressing or disturbing experience: a personal trauma like the death of a child. 2. emotional shock following a stressful event or a physical injury, which may be associated with physical shock and sometimes leads to long-term neurosis. 

Gennaro Ambrosino wrote a Facebook post on November 3rd, 2020. I don't know her but her post touched me deeply. I am just recognizing how much trauma stole from me. How trauma put up barriers around my soul to NOT feel, and not receive from others. We all have stories, no one's story is better or worse than the other - TRAUMA is TRAUMA! 

Trauma is like a happiness inhibitor and we all have different levels that are unique to us.

I will share her post in Red and I'll share why this hit close to home for me in Blue. 

The inability to receive support from others is a trauma response. I have spent my entire life making it my life's purpose to NOT to need any support or love from others. I remember after being married seven years, my husband said, 'You still don't trust me, do you?" I'm just now, after 45 years of marriage feeling vulnerable enough to trust.

Your “I don’t need anyone, I’ll just do it all myself” conditioning is a survival tactic. I remember thinking, if I clean my bedroom one more time, my mom will notice me. Even after many years, what gave me some sense of understanding is when I realized, I can't draw water from a dry well. My mom was not capable to emotionally connecting, how does a child understand that? They don't! They figure out how to cope. And you needed it to shield your heart from abuse, neglect, betrayal, and disappointment from those who could not or would not be there for you. This, I believe was the arrow that pierced my heart. I know this to be true in my life

What was your trauma? Feel free to share your experience - not to keep you embedded in your trauma but to be freed from it. Ask any question here if you need extra support. 

From the parent who was absent and abandoned you by choice or the parent who was never home from working three jobs to feed and house you.

From the lovers who offered sexual intimacy but never offered a safe haven that honored your heart.

From the friendships and family who ALWAYS took more than they ever gave.

From all the situations when someone told you “we’re in this together” or “I got you” then abandoned you, leaving you to pick up the pieces when shit got real, leaving you to handle your part and their part, too.

From all the lies and all the betrayals.

You learned along the way that you just couldn’t really trust people. Or that you could trust people, but only up to a certain point.

Extreme-independence IS. A. TRUST. ISSUE.

You learnt: if I don’t put myself in a situation where I rely on someone, I won’t have to be disappointed when they don’t show up for me, or when they drop the ball ... because they will ALWAYS drop the ball EVENTUALLY right? Sad to say, this is how I parented. My children had no idea why I did this, redoing everything they did, I'm sure they felt like their effort wasn't good enough but in reality, it was me. I couldn't accept what they did because somehow I'd lose them. I had to be needed, right? Warped thinking! 

You may even have been intentionally taught this protection strategy by generations of hurt ancestors who came before you.

Extreme-independence is a preemptive strike against heartbreak. I still struggle to cry. I feel, but I don't cry outwardly. If I do then heartbreak is at the surface and I've mastered burying it! This is one of the hardest habits for me to undo.

So, you don’t trust anyone.

And you don’t trust yourself, either, to choose people. I've begun to trust spirit! I trust my intuition over trusting other people.  

To trust is to hope, to trust is to be vulnerable...

...But no matter how you dress it up and display it proudly to make it seem like this level of independence is what you always wanted to be, in truth it’s your wounded, scarred, the broken heart behind a protective brick wall.

Impenetrable. Nothing gets in. No hurt gets in. But no love gets in either. I've learned a few things that have opened my heart - not wide, but open.

Fortresses and armor are for those in battle, or who believe the battle is coming. I have done a lot of energy work to bring down these walls. My fortress is much more opened and I owe that to my grandchildren! My adult children and my best friend, husband Doug.

...The good news is trauma that is acknowledged is trauma that can be healed. To heal the trauma is to learn how to seek happiness from within. Find that source of self-worth from within. It's possible! I promise you're not alone on this quest to find sustainable, lasting happiness.

Some other coping skills for trauma are addiction, weight gain, or seriously overweight, which has put your health in danger - can you see a theme? Self-destruction or slow death.

Remember: Feel free to share your experience here

Look around www.JodykHill.com and decide where you want to begin! 

The Invisible Elephant found in all Relationships; can you see yours?

When a thought hits me I am compelled to dissect it. I love when my friends share their thoughts and insights, it opens up my mind to ponder on a deeper level. My friend wrote, "If we're not enablers, it's easier to walk away from narcissists and abuse." Thank you, Kristen! 

I found this photo to offer a visual understanding of sorts that we do things unknowingly and out of habit; without awareness, negative behavior remains invisible. My title of the invisible elephant in a relationship speaks of either a healthy one or a broken one. What I know from my life experience is that a healthy relationship IS a process, but so is a broken one. The choice is yours.  I have come to believe a good relationship is when two people choose the importance of figuring out how to be emotionally healthy first aka ownership of self. This can be done together.  Meaning, the relationship doesn't have to be put on hold until one or the other party has been deemed enlightened.  It's a beautiful gift you give a relationship when it shows up as acceptance, love, and the space to evolve how it's designed to evolve. 

I've used this blog as a therapy of sorts to sift through and understand my thinking process ~ who knows, maybe one of you reading this blog analyses like me. First, a word usually stimulates my brain so I go to the word and process the definition. Second, I liken it to what I know as truth. How that shows up for me is much like an algebra equation. Silly as that sounds but what I like about algebra is you take an equation like 2+5=7, you can reverse it to receive the same answer like 7-5=2 or 7-2=5. Or 2x5=10 to 10/5=2 or 10/2=5 .... either way you process it, it remains constant. That is how I view consistency as truth.

Another example would be taking the number 6 - when you look at all angels you get a number 9 or 6, both are correct. What determines the outcome is the same, all are looking at a number. A 'number' in this case is the truth, the 9 or 6 is a perspective of that truth. 

Using this example with numbers and seeing the perspective side, some may believe by the end enabler and co-dependency is a good thing and feel grateful because when a person doesn't feel strong enough, they seek out someone to help them. This is why believing YOU ARE ENOUGH is powerful! Why? Because you are enough, you just may not feel like enough right now. 

FIRST: enabler | iˈnāblər, eˈnāblər | noun- person or thing that makes something possible • a person who encourages or enables negative or self-destructive behavior in another

codependency | ˌkōdəˈpendənsē | (also codependence) noun-excessive emotional or psychological reliance on a partner, typically one who requires support on account of an illness or addiction. 

SECOND: Reading the definition of what an enabler is, I go to the thought that we teach others how to treat us. That leads me to the Arbinger Principles, the collusion diagram.

If you haven't read the book, "The Anatomy of Peace" I'd highly recommend it. It reveals the power of ownership, the removal of blame, and the empowerment when one does that. Any challenging relationships you enter into, if you sort out disagreements with this one diagram, it's a game-changer. 

Now to offer a little bit of an explanation if you haven't read the book. Find in the picture above...

 #1 - They do. Write down what and how the other person is frustrating you and how they're doing it. Are they rude, do they ignore you, do they badger or complain as in the example? Write it all down. 

#2 - I see. Now write down all the things you see in that rudeness, when they ignore you, how do you describe their negative behaviors, what do you see.

#3 - I do. What do you do when you see this behavior, how do you react to it? 

#4 - They see. How does your partner describe your reactive behavior? Do they say you're being unreasonable? Do they call you bitchy? 

I'm going to add a #5 and #6 to this. My addition helped me see this diagram clearer. 

#5 - Go back to #1. What do you want them to do? Instead of them being rude, what would you see them doing to create happiness? What would you like to see them do instead of ignoring you? 

#6 - Do #5. Why? Because we get what we give and life is a mirror not a movie screen. 

By completing this exercise, you are identifying the behaviors you dislike. NOW let's add in the words above. 

By not communicating clearly and honestly, it means you are reacting - YOU are enabling this negative behavior i.e. Enabler! 

Can you see where ownership is a bitch sometimes? Our human nature wants to blame so much because it's easier and if the other person would change, you wouldn't have to be so frustrated or hurt by their negative behavior. 

At www.Restored-Soul.com we have empowered exercises to teach positive relationship tools. But first, YOU must be committed to understanding what taking ownership is about and the power it holds. It's ok if you don't right now, it's a learning process. And that's what we do, it's like we hold a positive emotional boot camp to get you started. 

#RestoredSoul5 fully understands that Family trauma SUCKS! Negative relationships HURT! Obligation & Expectation are suffocating! 

Co-Dependency takes it to another whole level. When you dissect this word you see it holds emotional attachments. This again doesn't take on ownership because you depend on the other person to give you what you emotionally need. 

Here are a few emotional needs we require: 

1. Being validated - if you were co-dependent you require the other person to be responsible to validate you. This is where you find a person doing things out of obligation. Some examples that may resonate with you: A young woman feels obligated to give of herself sexually to be validated. A young woman feels obligated to be the 'good one' to keep their family together. A silly one but one that most who have been in abusive situations understand clearly; IF I clean the room one more time, I'll be noticed. Obligation suffocates a person. That's a heavy burden and not an easy one to carry!

2. Being accepted - if you were co-dependent you require the other person to be responsible to accept you. When you feel you aren't liked, and you strive to do what the other person expects then you are co-dependent here. This is also what happens when emotional or personal boundaries haven't been formed. They allow others to walk all over them, or they're like a puppet being controlled. It's a difficult place to be! 

3. Being loved -if you were co-dependent you require the other person to be responsible to love you. You find this often when a young girl runs off to get married to get away from her family where she didn't feel loved OR they think children will give them what they so desperately need ~ love. The fear of deprivation and isolation is a heavy anchor for women falling into abusive relationships or staying in one. The thought process here, I've heard many times is, "Well, it may be bad but at least I'm not alone." This is a classic c0-dependent attachment. 

4. Religious Service - if you were co-dependent you require the organization to see you, especially if you see your God as a God you seek approval from, it still falls under co-dependency. Some may begin saying, but I want to be co-dependent on God but that is another whole scenario and I stand confidently, that's still not a place of ownership. 

#5 -what would you put here .... remember, just like algebra, the emotional need you put here keeps this thought process consistent. 

Being raised by a narcissistic mother, all of these examples I know all too well. I've had a great deal of emotional healing done over the years and my heart breaks for any of you reading this that is still stuck in a bad situation. I'm here for you but no one can help or guide you out of this without your commitment first to take ownership. At #restoredsoul5 we will not carry your baggage for you but we'll sit with you in a space of love and support while you unpack and release those items that no longer serve you.

Please remember: even if you remove the enabler part of a negative pattern, these emotional attachments are strong and powerful. This is where energetic connection and healing become so powerful. These are the attachments you find at the non-conscious level when you're ready to remove and promote healing replacing these attachments with emotional strength, and empowerment! 

Connect with us on Instagram @#restoredsoul5 to stay updated with us. Together we've got this! 


How an Introvert FILL’s their Imaginary Emotional Pitcher. The answer may shock you!

"You can't pour from an empty pitcher." "To fill up your pitcher with the spirit, one must remove self." And there is more because this is a popular subject. I've added a few of the links that wrote around an empty pitcher. They each have their take on it. One is about family dynamics. Another one is about removing self (which my language says, remove the Ego to be filled with the spirit. First off, the ego plays an important part in this physical world so managing it is a much better spiritual teacher than removing it, in my opinion) Another is directed at moms, giving them permission to fill their cup too. However, this blog is specific to how an introvert fills this imaginary emotional, spiritual pitcher.

Imagine the scenario of you holding an empty pitcher, what needs to be done to 'fill it? Exactly, putting something IN to fill it.

We can visualize 'filling' it with spirit, but then why do we still feel empty?

We can visualize filling it with love, but then why do we still feel empty?

We can visualize filling it with service, but then again, we feel empty!

I have used this visualization for years and it's done a good job for me. I 'fill' my empty pitcher with self-love or self-care. You know the basics. If I'm not prepared, I'm not able to serve those around me. I've held onto the saying, 'I can't give what I don't have. " That for me means I can not give love without feeling loved. I can't give to others if I'm empty. So all that self-care is to love myself with what fills me with joy. I can't be there for others if I'm not there for myself. You get the visual, right?

Then it hit me WHY it feels like my pitcher is like a boat with a hole in it, water keeps seeping out and all my energy is looking for that damn hole!

Now we can get into specifically what does all this mean for an introvert?

Think about it! Would an introvert begin yelling for people to come to help find the hole in their boat? I don't think so. Just visualizing me yelling for people to come help me brings all sorts of anxiety. First, a judgment is straight out of the gate as to why there's a hole. Second, the time it would take to explain why I think there's a hole and get them to 'agree' or take me seriously is exhausting! Third, if I was a better person there wouldn't be a hole, to begin with.

Can you see a theme following all my reasons for not yelling for help? I am not comfortable with receiving it! There's a simple but powerful answer.

This world is a world of opposition. It's a world of give and take. Introverts are so good at giving but find receiving difficult. When they receive it feels uncomfortable.

Why is this? 

Because an introvert is so use to the blackhole effect, they've attached receiving with it

If an introvert asks for help, they are bringing attention to themselves. That attention brings up the unspoken judgements; They didn't do something right, or they are critisized for needing help, or whatever ridiculous judgment that comes to the surface, it's still a judgment

An introvert wants to be seen as a kind person which holds the idea of expectations and there comes the obligatory receiving. 

Receiving IS our spiritual refueling! 

Receiving IS our spiritual recharging!

Receiving IS our spiritual reconnecting! 

Without learning how to receive in a way that removes the spotlight, then naturally an introvert shys away from receiving. Period! They remain unfulfilled, empty, exhausted, overwhelmed, dissatisfied, or trapped.

If you are ready to learn how and experience the power of receiving, within a safe space, without judgment then get on The Restored-Soul's waiting list.

The Restored-Soul is the event that offers an introvert tools on how to safely fill their imaginary emotional pitchers!