Natural Principles

I began reading the book Principled-Centered Leadership by Stephen R. Covey today, and he writes about Natural Principles.

I love reading and learning from others. What I learned while reading, most people strive to ‘fix’ their lives on a weekend. He speaks about the law of the harvest – meaning, you can’t plant and harvest in a weekend. It takes time and planning to have a successful harvest.

He shared, ‘Many parents take teenage rebellion and rejection personally, simply because they are too emotionally dependent upon their children’s acceptance of them, so a state of collusion is established, where they need each other’s weaknesses to validate their perceptions of each other and to justify their own lack of production.‘ (I suggest to re-read this again, these are powerful points to ponder!)

This hit home because I was one of those parents. I believe I was emotionally dependent upon my children’s acceptance of me. I gave them full responsibility to take away my power, which ended up in a state of contention. I set it up, I taught them how to treat me. Looking back I created the collusion aka contention, because I was validating my ineffective coping skill.

My ineffective coping skill was deflection: What does it mean when a person is deflectingDeflecting is a psychological defense mechanism that people use to take the blame off of themselves. When they are deflecting, they are trying to make themselves feel less bad for their wrongdoings – aka blame!

Let me explain, when Stephen R. Covey stated, ‘parents take teenage rebellion and rejection personally.’ What does rejection look like to you? Do you classify that as disrespecting you? Is disrespect really seen as not listening? What about being distracted when you are trying to tell or teach them something? What about them not jumping up on your command to come to you when called?

Is this a pattern? Does this happen often enough that your frustration level is easily met? I knew I was emotionally dependent upon my children’s acceptance of me. I held the belief that IF they’d stop, then I’d stop. How many of you hear the same thing in your homes? How many of you had a similar thought? My dependency on their behavior was directly correlated by the rules I set upon myself, from what I learned as a child. I created ‘rules’ on what love looked like as a child and carried with me in adulthood. That main rule was blame!

What rules have you created around beliefs?

What now?

What does it take to shift the contention level in your homes and heart? 

It takes a desire, then a decision, that leads to action. Desire feeds motivation, and motivation feeds decision making, and a decision feeds action. 

Once you feel you have a desire, check out what we can offer you @www.jodykhill.com. IF we aren’t the ones that resonate with you, we have many connections to guide you towards more fruitful options.

A question that gives reflection, “Do you want to be where you are in the next five years?” IF you answered no, then it’s time to make a decision. 

Happiness Income? What does that have to do with Trauma & Trust?

What does happiness have anything to do with income? Again, I went to my analytical brain and began dissecting the idea that was forming in my mind. 

First, let's get into what we know and how we feel about happiness.

Webster defines Happiness as (noun) - the state of being happy.

We hold an individual and unique definition of what happiness looks like to us. Much like fashion preferences. Some of us feel great in business attire, or dressed up, while others feel sexy and free in sweatpants and t-shirts. 

Here's an exercise for you to dig a bit deeper into how happiness fits in your life. Take a scale of 1-10, define your happy moments. Those times when you felt elated (happiness on steroids) and valued (feel important at that one moment.) Isn't that what you're looking for when you seek happiness? However, I believe we hold onto the idea that IF we find happiness, happiness will heal our wounded soul it will stick around versus becoming fleeting, moment to moment. That's a huge reason most go on diets, color their hair, spend money on fashionable clothing, buy name brand things, all to be valued amongst their peers. 

Second, let's define Income. Websters defines Income as money received, especially on a regular basis, for work or through investments

You know me by now - switch out the words to the definition of money and use it for rating happiness. It may sound far fetched but visualize the 'value' you place on happiness. Money is just that, an exchange of value, right? So let's use what we know. In your group of friends do you feel happy or not? Does it build you up (increase in value) or tear you down (decrease in value)?

Remember the definition of money? Combine that with (defining happiness) .... money received (receiving those feelings of happiness), especially on a regular basis (consistently feeling of value from others), for work (how happy are you with your job?) or through investments (what you invest your time in, does it bring you happiness?) 

Ponder those experiences you've been remembering, those times YOU felt happy. You felt good in a great outfit, your hair went perfectly, your make-up was just right, you got the attention of someone who gave you a sense of importance. All that is finding happiness from the outside.

That's why happiness doesn't feel sustainable. It's dependent on others' reactions to you. That why finding happiness is like a hamster wheel. Sometimes your hair goes great, other times it doesn't ~ unless you're Barbie!

So in summary, happiness is like grasping air when we seek it from external sources. Isn't all we just talked about considered external when you feel happy someone loved your outfit? When you felt important and valued amongst friends? 

We can all agree then, WE seek after happiness - but how do we transition to seeking happiness from within? That's the million-dollar question!

Now it's time to talk about why happiness is fleeting? I believe it's connected to life's traumatic experiences. 

Webster defines trauma as trauma - 1. A deeply distressing or disturbing experience: a personal trauma like the death of a child. 2. emotional shock following a stressful event or a physical injury, which may be associated with physical shock and sometimes leads to long-term neurosis. 

Gennaro Ambrosino wrote a Facebook post on November 3rd, 2020. I don't know her but her post touched me deeply. I am just recognizing how much trauma stole from me. How trauma put up barriers around my soul to NOT feel, and not receive from others. We all have stories, no one's story is better or worse than the other - TRAUMA is TRAUMA! 

Trauma is like a happiness inhibitor and we all have different levels that are unique to us.

I will share her post in Red and I'll share why this hit close to home for me in Blue. 

The inability to receive support from others is a trauma response. I have spent my entire life making it my life's purpose to NOT to need any support or love from others. I remember after being married seven years, my husband said, 'You still don't trust me, do you?" I'm just now, after 45 years of marriage feeling vulnerable enough to trust.

Your “I don’t need anyone, I’ll just do it all myself” conditioning is a survival tactic. I remember thinking, if I clean my bedroom one more time, my mom will notice me. Even after many years, what gave me some sense of understanding is when I realized, I can't draw water from a dry well. My mom was not capable to emotionally connecting, how does a child understand that? They don't! They figure out how to cope. And you needed it to shield your heart from abuse, neglect, betrayal, and disappointment from those who could not or would not be there for you. This, I believe was the arrow that pierced my heart. I know this to be true in my life

What was your trauma? Feel free to share your experience - not to keep you embedded in your trauma but to be freed from it. Ask any question here if you need extra support. 

From the parent who was absent and abandoned you by choice or the parent who was never home from working three jobs to feed and house you.

From the lovers who offered sexual intimacy but never offered a safe haven that honored your heart.

From the friendships and family who ALWAYS took more than they ever gave.

From all the situations when someone told you “we’re in this together” or “I got you” then abandoned you, leaving you to pick up the pieces when shit got real, leaving you to handle your part and their part, too.

From all the lies and all the betrayals.

You learned along the way that you just couldn’t really trust people. Or that you could trust people, but only up to a certain point.

Extreme-independence IS. A. TRUST. ISSUE.

You learnt: if I don’t put myself in a situation where I rely on someone, I won’t have to be disappointed when they don’t show up for me, or when they drop the ball ... because they will ALWAYS drop the ball EVENTUALLY right? Sad to say, this is how I parented. My children had no idea why I did this, redoing everything they did, I'm sure they felt like their effort wasn't good enough but in reality, it was me. I couldn't accept what they did because somehow I'd lose them. I had to be needed, right? Warped thinking! 

You may even have been intentionally taught this protection strategy by generations of hurt ancestors who came before you.

Extreme-independence is a preemptive strike against heartbreak. I still struggle to cry. I feel, but I don't cry outwardly. If I do then heartbreak is at the surface and I've mastered burying it! This is one of the hardest habits for me to undo.

So, you don’t trust anyone.

And you don’t trust yourself, either, to choose people. I've begun to trust spirit! I trust my intuition over trusting other people.  

To trust is to hope, to trust is to be vulnerable...

...But no matter how you dress it up and display it proudly to make it seem like this level of independence is what you always wanted to be, in truth it’s your wounded, scarred, the broken heart behind a protective brick wall.

Impenetrable. Nothing gets in. No hurt gets in. But no love gets in either. I've learned a few things that have opened my heart - not wide, but open.

Fortresses and armor are for those in battle, or who believe the battle is coming. I have done a lot of energy work to bring down these walls. My fortress is much more opened and I owe that to my grandchildren! My adult children and my best friend, husband Doug.

...The good news is trauma that is acknowledged is trauma that can be healed. To heal the trauma is to learn how to seek happiness from within. Find that source of self-worth from within. It's possible! I promise you're not alone on this quest to find sustainable, lasting happiness.

Some other coping skills for trauma are addiction, weight gain, or seriously overweight, which has put your health in danger - can you see a theme? Self-destruction or slow death.

Remember: Feel free to share your experience here

Look around www.JodykHill.com and decide where you want to begin! 

Is there such a thing as Eternal Separation?

I’ve had so many thoughts swirling around in my head. You know from previous posts that I spend time analyzing and sorting my thoughts through writing. 

Here’s what I know, believing there is Eternal Separation is more harmful to our Spirits than embracing the truth of God’s love for all his children. What does YOUR gospel teach? It can’t be both ways, you must pick. IF you begin saying, “I believe this way IF” or “I believe that way because” …. be careful because you’re adding conditions to my question. 

Let me explain. In most religions, the ones I’m familiar with, there’s a belief there’s an afterlife. IF we live ‘good’ lives then we will be granted time with our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ and God the Father. We will live with them once more. Families are believed to be forever so, IF a family member strays, it’s heartbreaking on a whole new level, likened unto spiritual death. This happens on both sides. If a child strays from family beliefs, their fear of making this choice of forever being separated from their family, whom they love with all their heart is devastating. Even difficult family situations are better to live with than to feel eternally separated and alone. One major reason children hide their behavior from their parents. Fear of being eternally rejected and separated. What is sad is IF they stray, they’ve been taught they are bad, which is shame. Do you feel it appropriate to shame children into obedience? Does God shame us to obey? I don’t believe so, religion maybe, but not God!

Shame on parents for loving their beliefs over their child. 

Yes, that is a bold statement but I was one of those parents, so yes, I get this question and I’ve unpackaged it over the years. Today, I’m sharing with you what I’ve learned. 

Let’s talk about the word ‘stray.’ It holds the meaning of wandering, leaving the family to worry. IF parents feel they are losing control, because keeping their family members intact is what shows their commitment to God, the stronger they seek to hold on. IF they continue to stray and the parents or family members can’t hang onto them, fitting them in their family box of rules, beliefs, and attachments, then they surrender and begin blaming the person for wandering. It becomes their fault. The common belief is that the person wouldn’t have strayed if they cared about their family, etc. How sad that even has to be a potential thought! 

Think of the burden that destroys families believing in eternal separation. Think of the burdens parents self inflict by believing in this eternal separation. First and foremost, YOU are not God. YOU believe what you believe based on how you’ve interpreted the lessons you’ve learned. The religious beliefs you hold, and how they may or may not affect you and your family. 

I believe the most damaging is when we connect the word stray with sin. In a way, it justifies and gives us a way to make sense of how we must feel if something doesn’t go exactly how we’ve pictured it. 

During my search to understand, to gain some peace back into my life, to be the parent that loves no matter what, I read, “The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom” ~ by Don Miguel Ruiz

I know some would never pick this book up because he states in his first few pages, this is like a new religion. I believe he was striving to state that religion and gospel are two different things. Religion is the organization to create order and manage a large group of people. Much like a family, parents are there to create order and manage their household. The gospel, on the other hand, is the teachings we strive to learn that offer us peace and understanding in this physical world, those teachings that feed our soul. There are gosple TRUTHS and there are believed truths….I’ll get to that, I promise.

The chapter on what is sin stood out. I reread it multiple times to integrate the truth I felt was there. His definition: ‘a sin is when you go against your true self ~ who you are.” What does that mean? Again, I firmly hold the belief we are spiritual beings first, having a physical world experience, thus WHO we are is a spiritual being! When we go against our Divine Self we are sinning. Be careful here as well, because no one knows what agreements they’ve made with God as to their life journey. As a Divine being, we hold and have a Divine nature without any doubts or questions! Period!

When I imagine God’s love or my Divine Self, I can see the duality of energy within us much like a dimmer switch; the light and dark energy that we each hold, and whichever one wins is the one that’s fed. You know those switches that you push up to turn lights on bright, push down to dim the lights and if you pushed it all the way down, the light goes out. Let’s use this analogy. First, no matter how dark it may seem, the power source is ALWAYS connected, right? As Spiritual beings, your divine light can never, and I mean NEVER go out. It can dim but it can not go out. You are always connected to Source! This source, when you go against it is Sin according to Don Miguel Ruiz, which dims your light. How does that feel to you? 

Let me separate TRUTHS and truths as I promised for you. IF I asked you where the sun sets, what would you say? Would you say the East, or would you say in the West? Believe me, I’ve heard both answers over time. Your answer is going to be based on what you’ve been taught, what you believe, right? So if I said to you, both of these are wrong answers, you begin to feel the prickle to argue? The TRUTH is the sun doesn’t set, the earth rotates around the sun. The truth is what you believe. Big difference, right? 

Back to my original question: Is there such a thing as Eternal Separation?

The TRUTH is NO. We are here in this physical world to do our best with what we know and learn. The truth is based on what you believe. Be careful when judgment is made based on perspective! Nothing but harm comes from that, for all who are involved. 

Let’s ask this, so what happens when a child strays? What about a spouse? That child or spouse has come to earth to walk their journey. They’ve come to you to learn what will best serve them. There are no accidents of who cross’ your path. Not ONE person is a mistake or an accident! That path, I believe wholeheartedly, is a path of a Divine nature and no one knows what that path is except the person and God! Yep, even those who may cross your path who may have harmed you (click here for a good read to gain this perspective) AND when most people hear me say this I always get a question in response, “So you’re telling me it’s my fault I’ve been treated like this?” or “So you’re telling me I created this hell I live in?” That’s a topic for another post. Let me say this when you remove the layers of our psychological filters, the TRUTH is our manifested world is a reflection of the story we hold within, those inner truths. If you have more questions, please connect with me at Admin@jodykhill.com 

The bottom line shows straying is a journey, right? Going away from the herd mentality of obedience. Obedience to what? Family values or God’s TRUTH? Society’s perception of how relationships should look? 

Would you agree, heartache then comes when you feel your loved ones are straying from YOUR journey? 

I will send you off with light and love. If you have any questions, please reach out, my goal is to guide you to peace, confidence, and love in all relationships. Remember, this is a post to analyze where TRUTH is found and how it fits in life. 

The end result to this question is; It’s a Divine CORE belief there IS no Eternal Separation but our conditioned mind has created the fear around the idea, teaching, or interpretation of Eternal Separation …..

TRUTH or truth?