What does it even mean to Love They Neighbor as Thyself?

What do you see in this photo?

I see water flowing effortlessly as a life-giving water source!

I'll use this photo of flowing water as an analogy, speaking about LOVE. 

To fully heal from dysfunctional relationships, you must recognize the power of spirit, flowing effortlessly through you.  AND, becoming aware of Spiritual love, that life giving source that feeds our soul. Both are found looking within!

I shared a quote that holds great impact for me and I felt confident for others. 

These words are powerful! 

Have you ever thought about your life and those who have influenced you?

I know many of you have been born into unhealthy families! I am so sorry this has happened to you. I promise you are not alone! 

This is not a blog post about who had it worse, unhealthy relationships include many factors; abuse of all kinds, rejection, drug addiction, mental illness, to name a few. This is a blog post about HOW to undo the hurt and gain back peace of mind, in healthy ways. 

I grew up with a mother that had an undiagnosed mental illness. Every day, my childhood was confusing. One day, I was loved and cherished. Another day, I was stupid and incompetent.  I could add in other insults like lazy, irresponsible, idiot, ugly, fat, bratty, selfish, and the list can go on. 

I would do my best but instead of progress being celebrated with a "good job!" I was told how much I fell short of my Mom's expectation. Of course, no human being in the world was capable of meeting my mom's expectations because no one was a good as her. 

I could have let the cycle continue, and I did for several years. I grew believing I did something wrong. That, I was the mistake. If I could just figure out how to get my mom to love me then my life would be ok.  My dislike of myself carried over to my children. I treated them like I was treated. It crushes me to admit that! Please know I have offered apologies and healing for many years since recognizing my parental shortcomings.

There is hope and a way out! I recognized my way out when I accepted the fact, I could not draw water from a dry well. No matter how hard I tried, no matter how much effort was given, the emotional well, I sought love from was dry. My mom had emotionally disconnected many years ago and I stopped blaming and hating her once I recognized she was not capable of emotional connection. Maybe with others, not with me! I didn't do or do anything that created her emotional disconnection! I sought to understand what was happening and realized there is no understanding of the mental illness. It just is! 

Now, let's talk about how to undo the emotional pain and crush that negative cycle!  

First, I had to get over my anger. I felt abandoned and left to nurture myself on my own. I was mad. How could she just leave me? Think about it like if you had a house to build. That's a huge project, right? How would you feel if you were left to build it on your own? No help, and no support. Yes, I had neighbors that would help out a bit, friends who did their best, but at the end of the day, I was left to do what was necessary.  I was consumed with blame. Life was unfair and it shouldn't have been. I had to figure it out if I was to survive. 

By turning the blame into ownership, I accepted what was. I began taking one step at a time! I developed gratitude for anyone who was willing to teach, love and support me. They became my angels and through appreciation and gratitude, I was able to recognize them. 

Second, I found the, 100% ~ 0% theory! Bringing this theory into my life wasn't easy because I wanted to inflict as much pain onto my mom as I felt she inflicted onto me. Anger turned into a type of revenge.  I was emotionally hurt and that hurt extended to how I treated others. I lacked trust. How could I trust anyone if I couldn't even trust my mom? And because I lacked trust, I became distant and found it difficult to emotionally connect. I was so conflicted! I loved my children so much and knew how I was showing them love was not healthy.  It all shifted the day I saw the anger I felt as a child, in my sons' eyes when he was twelve. He reflected the feelings I buried as a child towards my mom.  That was when I decided right then, my behavior would change! 

By realizing the importance of the, 100% ~ 0% theory, I could stop feeding the resentment I felt towards life, and begin feeding self-care, self-love, and self-acceptance. Little steps! And feelings of accomplishments, no matter how small, grew into bigger steps and bigger celebrations of achievements!

By Loving Thyself FIRST, you can now love your neighbor.  

I learned the hard lesson, I couldn't give to my kids what I didn't have. It became imperative that I learn HOW to love them in a healthy way. And that meant, I had to learn how to love myself in a healthy way! 

To learn more about the 3 Principles of Healing, download your free gift today!  

The Biggest​ Mistake I Realized I Made

Growing up, I felt that MY emotions were the most important to deal with, however, I was always put down and easily made to feel my feelings were stupid! As a child, of course, my feelings were the most important, right? Don’t most children have the “me, me, me” focus? I remember I was always frustrated during a disagreement with my Mom because I wanted her to understand how I felt but the fight was futile! No wonder I didn’t learn healthy conversational or listening skills. I am sorry to say I didn’t learn any of the healthy habits until much later in life, which means my children were raised with my bad habits. It’s time for ALL of us to spend our efforts learning healthy relationship skills which include strong listening and communication abilities.

The damage of being raised by a narcissistic parent has caused me as a child, now as an adult to realize I have been taught to be a conversational narcissus (by Celeste Headlee) I lived with parental narcissism for so long I learned to hide my emotions. I developed conversational narcissism because I was uncomfortable with anyone’s emotions because I didn’t know how to handle mine. Mine was undervalued so I reflected that onto others. It was painful for me when others felt bad. This article on grief was eye-opening for me because I recognized I usually drew focus away from others’ hurt and painful emotions by turning the attention back to me in many conversations, which is a narcissistic trait. I know I don’t have the disorder because I didn’t communicate with the intent I was better than them, it was my way of letting them know they were not alone. How sad to say I simply I didn’t know what else to do. Living with a Narcissistic parent, you learn quickly that your thoughts, feelings or ideas mean nothing. So, today, I am publically admitting I have been a conversational narcissist, up to this point. I apologize to my sister, my children, my husband, my friends, and anyone else who has crossed my path! If you ever felt devalued by me, I ask you to please forgive me!

I know now that I am NOT a narcissist but I did learn and picked up narcissistic tendencies. I am grateful for awareness because now I can begin to understand, one step at a time how to undo my bad habit and relearn a new one!

If you ever wonder what the long term damage is, just look up divorce statistics and notice all the broken relationships. IF you have picked up unhealthy conversational habits and are now ready to learn healthier ways to speak, listen and connect with others, there is hope! It’s never too late to break a bad habit, right?

One of the greatest quotes I picked up along the way was from Stephen R. Covey, “SEEK to understand before seeking to be understood.” Can you see how this could eliminate any narcissistic tendencies? Can you feel the powerful difference listening to another person simply to understand versus to just be heard? Learning what they are seeking to tell you by asking questions offers clarification versus jumping to conclusions? Healthy relationship skills are empowering! Let’s begin today, together with becoming the best version of ourselves. Sound good?

We each have needs and emotions to feed and if you believe you may be a conversational narcissist, your relationship may be in danger! If your companion feels like their needs are not the most important because you feel yours are, then the break down is just a matter of time. What if you believe your partner is a narcissistic listener? That becomes more difficult because one major trait of a narcissist is they are always right and do everything right. Which means you don’t know what you’re talking about! They also assign motives to how you are feeling. Susan Heitler Ph.D. shared this red flag to pay attention to, “It’s only when narcissists begin to ignore their partner’s concerns and dismiss what their partner says that narcissistic listening disorder becomes a source of distress.” I promise there is hope to undo this messy situation!

The blind side of being a conversational narcissist is you feel to be heard the other person must agree! IF they loved you, they would see your intelligence and agree! Does being heard mean everyone must agree with you? Remember, because a person didn’t agree with you doesn’t mean they didn’t hear you.

It’s truly mind-blowing to watch and the most difficult personality to live with if a child, parent, boyfriend, spouse, or a person of authority in your life has this. This is a personality disorder and I tried all of my life to make sense out of this, questioning if was there something I could do differently? The most impactful statement a counselor made to me was, “Please remember, a personality disorder IS a Mental illness and it will never make sense!” That statement allowed my brain to stop questioning and begin a process of understanding that I did not create this difficult personality and this personality disorder has no more power over me.

If you are unfamiliar with this personality disorder, consider yourself lucky. Narcissistic people have a few major things going on … 1. They are steeped in being right and everyone else is wrong. 2. Pride is a staple emotion, one that elevates them above anyone else. They are better, smarter, more right than anyone else on the planet. 3. They are masters at power-plays. Now, these are difficult to win because the game itself is the power source. 4. It’s also a coping skill that covers up some of the deepest hurt you can imagine. You see, IF they are ‘top-dog’ or dominate in any way, it’s a protective behavior to avoid any more hurt. It’s not effective because this behavior alone serves up loneliness, or thinking no-one likes me all because people avoid them like the plaque; all confirming the deepest recesses of inadequacy and worthlessness at their non-conscious level, unconsciously driving to be bigger, stronger, or more powerful!

It’s time to stop the pride, the hate, the discontent within relationships.

It IS time to find healing!

The buck stops here. Decide today to stop unhealthy relationship patterns.

IF you are ready, you found the right place. Give me a call and let’s talk about how you can be the best version of yourself and find the happiness you deserve!

More about Narcissism, click here, or click here

Love ya all tons,

Jody K

{Waking Up ~ on purpose} Love THYself

I read this post on FB and thought I’d share it. After I did, I deleted it. WHY? Because after thinking about it I knew there was more to the story. I fully embrace the importance of acceptance, which I believe was the main point of this message, BUT I also fully embrace the desire to BEcome even better today than yesterday, (which I write about further down) acquiring an even deeper level of acceptance.

I fully embrace healing, learning, growing, empowerment, betterment, improvement, and love ~ whatever you name it.

ALL of which are things to grow into!

Here’s the post that I read on FB ….

Here’s more to WHY I deleted it. The rest of the story…

I have been under a great deal of stress, and I am grateful I am emotionally strong to have endured the level I faced. The stress had been going on for years and I simply did not have the ability to move past it. I had done energy work on myself. I scheduled to work with others, thinking I was too close to the situation to have clarity. I also spent many hours in meditation to lessen the impact my situation was having on me. They ALL worked! Then I felt my solution must be my weight that was the ‘added’ challenge for me, so I went to Integrated Wellness to go on a diet. Consciously thinking this would eliminate one aspect of my stress. My flight or fight hormone was outrageously high and because of this, my body was sending a message I could no longer ignore. You see, I got to the point I simply didn’t care anymore, let alone find acceptance. But what I learned was I COULDN’T care anymore with the state my body was at (another subject for another blog.)

Divine timing is a real thing and wherever you are at, please know you are in the right place at the right time. Life is a journey and an adventure, not an event. Side note: I’m going to use an analogy here. Just think of weight lifting. Say, you want to get stronger BUT right now you can only lift 5lbs. Diving timing is working with that 5lb weight. It is perfect for where you are at, at this time! BEcoming even better and stronger is when life gives you challenges (heavier weights) to practice with. The important message here is to accept each step you take, trusting that the universe is on your side!

Now back to my story. Integrated Wellness put me on an eating plan, not a diet, to begin healing my body. I continue with energy sessions, not to ‘fix’ but to align my metabolic state to serve my highest good (basically, using my analogy, Integrated Wellness is like my ‘trainer’ to advance in strength.) I KNOW, once I am optimally aligned, all things work with efficiency.

True alignment IS full acceptance and love!

Now, that was what I was looking for. This is the part of the message that was overlooked, which therefore prompted this blog post.

So when I read, does my body need more protein? That is looking from the outside in and holds underlying energy of lack. What am I lacking that will make me whole or better is what the universe is hearing within that question, ‘does my body ‘need’ more protein?’ I get others may feel this is splitting hairs or just semantics, but for me, I am seeking to become even better at loving myself and others today than yesterday. To do that, I must tap into Spirit and be guided with true alignment from the INSIDE out for what is required for me to serve the highest good of others. You see, I can not share what I do not have, so striving to love and be love at a deeper level, for me is the journey of clarity I seek. This alone is critical in my work. So healing and aligning my metabolic state was where I began looking, from the inside out.

We all have situations in our life that cause stress. Stress has become part of our everyday life. How we deal with stress shows up in our physical life. The hidden stresses that we typically don’t see rob us of the joy we seek are disguised as questions filled with judgment, therefore, lack.

People will say they’re overweight, or I’m fat? These statements are filled with judgment, because what weight is YOUR weight? I’d suggest looking at this thought as a message your body is trying to tell you. When people hold excess weight, typically this is a sign of hormonal imbalance. Maybe you are hanging onto outdated beliefs that no longer serve you. Are you always tired? There could be cells that have shut down and your body is working inefficiently. Are you in a constant state of judgment towards yourself or others in other aspects of your life? This is a key stressor that creates a huge imbalance between your cortisol levels and Adrenal function. This is directly correlated with healthy weight management.

As an Emotional Fitness Leader, I fully embrace the truth that emotional health is key in becoming fully aligned ~ the other side of mental illness. The positive side we seek for ourselves, friends and our families. When one has the emotional strength, confidence is eminently the outcome!

Today, let’s ban together and create a fabulous day!

Jody K