As an introvert, I process emotions differently. In fact, most people see me as ‘tense’ when I feel the need to go within to heal, to process, or to recharge. I guess I have that look of ‘I’ll bite your head off if you talk to me” or “Speak and I’ll hurt you” kinda look. I’m not tense, mad, upset, or angry, I simply require alone time to process what’s happening within. I am looking forward to The Restored-Soul event coming to fruition, literally creating a space without judgment, without expectation, for any and all introverts to participate. Wear or bring whatever look you have and when the time comes for you to heal, recharge and reconnect, you are welcome. You are loved, accepted, and protected!
A couple of days ago, my Mom passed away. I will write another blog post about that, maybe, but what I want to focus on today is the healing that was granted to me, through inner reflection and why it connects to procrastination.
I read an article on FB stating the reason people procrastinate was to avoid feeling the emotion that goes with accomplishment. Interesting! I’m going to rephrase the word accomplishment to core emotional patterns. Procrastion for me looks and feels more like pressure. I am usually not a procrastinator BUT when it comes to feelings, apparently I am and I feel that through feeling pressured.
I was holding a great deal of emotional stress the few weeks before my Mother’s passing and when I finally received the call she had officially died, it was a tremendous relief. She was in a state of mental and physical turmoil and for that to end was a relief that I was grateful for!
I took the next few days to process and understand what role my Mother played in my life and what core emotion I was avoiding … yep, this is where the procrastination comes in. I was in that suffocating space and the stress had to be released! It was affecting me physically and something had to give.
Because I only dealt with my frustrations, procrastination led me to feel emotionally constipated overtime. I couldn’t process it anymore, so I caved and scheduled my favorite massage person, Stephanie, and together we worked through my blocked emotions.
My relationship with my mother was not one of a loving mother/daughter relationship. I grew up with a Narcissistic mother, and if you know anything about this personality disorder, they show up to others in whatever capacity needed to be admired. Over the years, I also believe she acquired multiple personalities, which added interesting twists to an already crazy situation. And within the last 3 years, her dementia accelerated quickly and created another dynamic that seemed impossible!
I am asked by many people how I grew up to be a normal adult. Well, as I began to understand the journey I was on, the healing aspect of knowing we are spiritual beings first, having a physical-earthly experience was key. My reference was reading the parable of the little Soul by Donald Walsch which touched my soul! This knowledge showed me she was playing a role in my life, invoking emotions that I was to learn to overcome. Now life made a lot more sense.
I know, in my conversation with God before I came to this earth, I asked to learn, TRUST. I knew I was a spiritual being, and I knew I accepted the gift of coming to this physical world to learn how to acquire this spiritual gift, Trust. I’m going to skip the 60 years of experience I could go on and on with that validates all the dis-trust I felt and experienced but those are all justified through my physical eyes, not my spiritual eyes.
I stayed distracted and procrastinated addressing these emotions and I handled the triggers within our relationship with coping skills by mastering Pride and control. I felt I had more ‘light’ than her, which is definitely Pride. What a lie, the opposite of love and acceptance! And then control, I used my excuses like me being an introvert to stay away from situations. Wow! All I can say is wow! When my eyes were open and I was OPEN to receiving clarity, I could see that trust was the core emotion that was encased in pride and control. My heart was encased with pride and control as those survival skills I learned along the way.
Can you see why I am so grateful that my Mother played this role in my life? She did play it perfectly! But only recently, through my unblocking of stuck emotions, I could finally see her divine self and acknowledge that role with appreciation and love in a greater capacity. I now fully know who she is, so my gratitude grew immensely through that understanding. All the hurt, anger, hatred, guilt, and frustrations dissolved like sugar in water.
I stand as a witness that I am a spiritual being first having a physical experience. This beautiful plan we call life, Yes, those physical experiences are placed on our path to invoke choices through emotions. People play a role, just like they play character roles in the movies, and those roles invoke emotions as we watch and live. We can liken those roles and emotions throughout our life to the situations that come before us. For example; I can understand and relate to an abandoned child, and the courage they have to keep on going, sharpening their street smarts to navigate amongst adults in a crazy world. I can relate completely with that character.
What I know is we have people in our lives to teach us things we’ve asked to learn.
I also know we each hold a unique spiritual blueprint, we all have psychological filters that filter all the information and emotions that we process in life, the good, bad, and ugly stuff!
I also know everything happens for a reason and divine timing is a constant! You are exactly where you are meant to be, even if that is in the depth of chaos or ugliness.
I also know, without a doubt, there’s a way out!
I can show you, I can teach you, but first, you must be ready. No one can force you to create a better life, no one is responsible to create a better situation for you. YOU ARE! and when you’re ready, you know where to find me … www.jodykhill.com
Namaste … and remember forgiveness is a powerful first step