emotional healing

Natural Principles

I began reading the book Principled-Centered Leadership by Stephen R. Covey today, and he writes about Natural Principles.

I love reading and learning from others. What I learned while reading, most people strive to ‘fix’ their lives on a weekend. He speaks about the law of the harvest – meaning, you can’t plant and harvest in a weekend. It takes time and planning to have a successful harvest.

He shared, ‘Many parents take teenage rebellion and rejection personally, simply because they are too emotionally dependent upon their children’s acceptance of them, so a state of collusion is established, where they need each other’s weaknesses to validate their perceptions of each other and to justify their own lack of production.‘ (I suggest to re-read this again, these are powerful points to ponder!)

This hit home because I was one of those parents. I believe I was emotionally dependent upon my children’s acceptance of me. I gave them full responsibility to take away my power, which ended up in a state of contention. I set it up, I taught them how to treat me. Looking back I created the collusion aka contention, because I was validating my ineffective coping skill.

My ineffective coping skill was deflection: What does it mean when a person is deflecting? Deflecting is a psychological defense mechanism that people use to take the blame off of themselves. When they are deflecting, they are trying to make themselves feel less bad for their wrongdoings – aka blame!

Let me explain, when Stephen R. Covey stated, ‘parents take teenage rebellion and rejection personally.’ What does rejection look like to you? Do you classify that as disrespecting you? Is disrespect really seen as not listening? What about being distracted when you are trying to tell or teach them something? What about them not jumping up on your command to come to you when called?

Is this a pattern? Does this happen often enough that your frustration level is easily met? I knew I was emotionally dependent upon my children’s acceptance of me. I held the belief that IF they’d stop, then I’d stop. How many of you hear the same thing in your homes? How many of you had a similar thought? My dependency on their behavior was directly correlated by the rules I set upon myself, from what I learned as a child. I created ‘rules’ on what love looked like as a child and carried with me in adulthood. That main rule was blame!

What rules have you created around beliefs?

What now?

What does it take to shift the contention level in your homes and heart?

It takes a desire, then a decision, that leads to action. Desire feeds motivation, and motivation feeds decision making, and a decision feeds action.

Once you feel you have a desire, check out what we can offer you @www.jodykhill.com. IF we aren’t the ones that resonate with you, we have many connections to guide you towards more fruitful options.

A question that gives reflection, “Do you want to be where you are in the next five years?” IF you answered no, then it’s time to make a decision.

Energetic Connection; is that even a real thing?

Part one:

What does excellence mean to you?

What does perfection mean to you?

These are important questions to answer! We all strive to become better but why does it feel so difficult to do so? Why is it so hard for us to see any progression, or at least to recognize progression for the goals or desires we seek?

This word prompted me to find a visual that represented how we might perceive what we do consciously and non-consciously. I found the 'high' bar photo. We set our 'bar' to what we believe is meant for excellence and perfection, according to us, right?

Think about it, if I strive to lose weight to get to that perfect weight I believe I am to be, I set my bar to a number I seek to hit. Yes, technically that bar would be lowered because the numbers would decrease but you get my point, right?

Now, how do I go about accomplishing my goal? This is where Grethchen's book comes in and triggered my analytical mind.

Let's start at the beginning. I just finished reading the book, "The Four Tendencies" by Gretchen Rubin ~ here's a link to buy it if this resonates with you, and NO, I don't get any kind of kickback if you do decide to purchase it. I'm simply sharing this book with you in case you wanted to learn more about what I'm going to be talking about.

It is a different kind of personality book, and of course, I love that kind of stuff! I am fascinated with HOW people work, what influences them, and what makes the difference in whether they progress or stall out with desires.

Gretchen researched how people react to following through or is there more to this word, expectation?

Not to spoil the book but I have to at least share with you what I'm talking about, right? I'll summarize and you can read more in detail. It's a well done book! I enjoyed it.

I'll take one or two of her examples to explain.

I'm an upholder. Apparently, this is a rare personality trait. IF I fit this perfectly, I would meet external expectations (I would meet a deadline, time commitments etc) AND I'd meet my inner expectations (I would meet a commitment I made to myself. If I make a goal to drink more water, I drink more water.) My everyday life is like a programed machine.

I'm also part Rebel. Most of the time, I'm an upholder and I have no problem doing all that I want to do. I'm very structured, which people seem to think I have life all figured out but for me that's just a natural way of life. The rebel part of me doesn't like to meet external expectations OR my inner expectations. I only do what I want, not what others or myself for that matter, expect of me. I can flip off life some days and feel really good about it. Now, this doesn't happen often as an upholder but it could happen daily as a rebel.

The shadow side of expectation is equal to the original words, perfection and excellence. We uphold expectations the same as perfection and excellence. We've created a self imposed 'bar' to meet, and on the shadow side, something we believe GOD will meet IF we do 1, 2, or 3. An expectation is an attachment to an outcome. The shadow side holds conditions, self-imposed conditions.

That's an interesting word. Expectation.

Do we hold an inner desire to meet God's expectations to become as perfect as we can in this life? Do we hold an inner desire to meet society's view of what excellence means? Or do we reject what is given because it doesn't meet our expectation of what it should be?

Let me share with you what I mean by energetic statistics. Based on the movie, "The Secret," it reflects the power within thoughts. IF you thought about what you desire strong enough, it would appear in your life. This is where goal boards, dream boards all come into play. They seek to find that 'secret' to get all of what we desire most in life.

Pause your reading and spend some time writing down what you want most right now ... I'm confident there will be many different things each of you writes down. Connect with me @RestoredSoul5 on Instagram and Facebook, I go into this subject often and I always love when perspectives are shared.

It's time to find out what this Secret is to gain or get (I use the word manifest) whatever your heart desires. Yes, it is a real thing!

WARNING ONE: I will state this upfront, not to throw cold water on this exciting idea but to give you stability in understanding that using this gift is not to use it like a spoiled child to get whatever you want and if you don't get it exactly, you throw a temper tantrum. This is the response when the shadow side of expectation is in play. I know some of you reading this are guilty of that! How do I know, I've had plenty of temper tantrums. I now call them spiritual tantrums when I feel after all I can do, God still doesn't deliver what I asked for, yep, I place attachments and conditions on those situations often ... My life journey has become to understand why I do this, so I do have an answer for you. Keep reading.

WARNING TWO: When I get on the shadow side of expectation, I've learned The higher the expectation, the greater the disappointment. Read that again ~

First, you must have a few key principles you live by to be in a position to have access to manifesting as explained above. I share these principles in a FREE download I created, 3 Secrets to boost mental health.

It's yours if you want it .... lol, see what I did there? Ok, bad pun. On a serious note, it is free!

I like to call this 'secret' creation energy and I've named it Mo.

What makes Mo give you something or not? How can you get Mo to listen? How can you get Mo to follow through?

Click here for 'part-two' IF you want to learn more about Mo

What would you say is the key ingredient needed to Restore Trust in yourself?

Click here for photo credit – it’s also a great article

When you see something that speaks to your heart, you spend time pondering it.

I’m going to tell you a little story. Why? Because of a quote I read.

Thank you #empathrefuge for sharing this on Instagram.

I knew the moment I read these words I wasn’t alone. That my life journey set me up to not trust myself because that is how life goes. I had so many life experiences confirming WHY I couldn’t trust myself and with each experience validating that as a truth to my soul for many years.

I am confident anyone who is reading this could share that same statement because their life experiences made trusting difficult too. However, in the end, let’s talk about ways you can release and restore that destructive distrust and safely open up to fully trusting because now you can. Again, I’ll share what set me up and the analytical thinking that got me out of this space. First, here’s the quote that started all this:

Here’s my story of what set me up that took me from zero trust to full trust.

I spend time writing out my thoughts. This shows you what my full trust looks like, um, you’re reading this right? I write to organize my feelings, emotions, thoughts, inspirations … all of it. Where the distrust began is in the irony or opposite of that statement – I’ve never been a strong writer, English is not easy for me. I should clarify, grammar is not easy for me. I think I was in my late 40’s when I realized the words ‘is and are’ meant the same thing but one was singular and the other was plural. I’ve come along way to be in a space to admit that because it was easier to hide that part of my world. My first memory was writing letters, apparently, letters with penpals were expected at seven years old. Of course, my mom began reviewing them because she didn’t want to be embarrassed which ended up with her correcting them. I swear she expected them to be a literary masterpiece and in my head, I was just writing. The idea that I was stupid was planted.

So I stopped (my coping skill).

I stopped for years (holding strong to that coping skill)

Let me take you back to my beginning of what happened after this seed of doubt was planted and how my immature thought processes nurtured this distrust over and over.

From my seven-year-old little girl self, I got by in school. I did much better in math than English. Junior high was when my challenges really showed up. I didn’t keep up, I slid along. Not sure how I passed. Maybe at that time, schools just passed all the students because that is how I remember high school too. I rarely went to my classes, I was good at hiding and not being seen.

It’s still embarrassing to tell this story of my Freshman year in college, I had just turned 18. You see, I ‘tested’ to be in the remedial English class. I wasn’t upset at that because I thought I’d actually learn how to use proper grammar. However, after pouring my heart into an assignment the instructor handed mine back with a very large F on it, then said directly to me while I was in class, “I don’t even know why you’re in here.” Well, that didn’t boost my confidence much. I wanted to run and hide. Do you think I ever wanted to write again? Would you have trust in yourself if you were me?

Why am I telling you all this? What was it about these words, in the quote above, that held such an impact for me?

The impact came because I’m always in a space ready to heal. I continue to have the courage to stop hiding. I AM ready to be heard. My journey has taken me full circle, or so I thought. I have learned to take away blame, blaming all the bad things that happened to me. I’ve overcome procrastination – one of the hardest addictions I’ve had. I had spent years giving up being a victim of my circumstances because I finally got pissed off enough to say STOP! So when I read these words and how they pierced my heart, I knew I had one more layer to release…. damn it!

Seriously, the ‘circle’ only expands, it doesn’t close. Remember, life is a journey, not a destination.

If you’re still reading this, it’s time to ask yourself these important questions:

Do you want to be heard?

Do you want to take ownership of your life and no longer be a victim of your circumstances? Good!

Those feelings are telling you it’s time to tell your inner bully it’s about to get its butt kicked.

Here goes me sharing my analytical mind and my random thinking again, my random-ness that gets my thoughts sorted out. I laugh out loud when I begin because I hear those who will read this and say, “she doesn’t make any sense or that sentence should have had a period, semi-colon, or whatever.” I visualize myself flipping them off – sorry but I am so done being told I’m stupid BUT then I want to hug them because they care… On the flip side, my heart fills with joy and gratitude for those of you who read this with their heart. Maybe you gain something from my random-ness, maybe it gave you permission to just map out your feelings to get an idea of where to start. Either way, thank you for being here!

Let’s dissect this, shall we?

Energetically you know exactly what to do in every situation

First, every time I hear, read, or see the word energetically my mind inserts the word spiritually. Energy = Spirit. Energetically = Spiritually. Can you see why I read the words written but read with my heart; spiritually I know exactly what to do in every situation?

That confirmes I’m on my correct path. I believe with all my heart we come to this earth KNOWING who we are, we have an understanding of what trials and challenges that we will face.

Now the second half: You just question it because you were taught not to trust yourself.

I don’t believe we were just dropped out of heaven, abandoned. Our life was given to parents, some parents are all with it and others are clueless. Some were a cherished gift while others were seen as an obstacle. No matter who your parents are or what they’ve done (yep, even the suckiest and rotten ones out there), they’ve done their best, period! AND …. that holds no effect of who you are and the purpose of why you are here. However, it leads one to that nagging question of why me? Am I right?

I also believe the purpose of this ‘earth’ life gives us experiences with people who play a role in our lives. Every person who crosses our path plays a role, a good or bad one. It all depends on what emotional filters we came with, what challenges we agreed to overcome, and what lessons we are to learn. Lessons are there to teach us. Are your lessons teaching you to trust yourself or not? Maybe the real question is are you distrusting YOU, LIFE, or GOD? Maybe you say you trust God but you don’t trust your intuition. Isn’t God and intuition one in the same? Let that sink in for a minute. Powerful connection uh?

Read the definition below and see what comes up.

Dictionary’s definition: The feeling that someone or something cannot be relied upon. Doubt the honesty or reliability of; regard with suspicion

For me, I couldn’t rely upon my brain. Therefore, leading me to distrust myself.

As children, we have less life experience to understand how to handle certain situations, therefore, we create coping skills. Coping skills teach us how to handle situations based on the level of understanding we hold. Coping skills gives us something to rely on, something to trust. My coping skill of hiding began as early as that seven-year-old little girl. I didn’t know any different at that time, right? I knew I didn’t like to be judged so I avoided that situation, yep, by hiding. Does that make sense?

What coping skills do you recognize you’ve created?

I liken the idea of coping skills and explain how I see that, mixed with my belief from a story I read in the book, The Millionaire Mind by T. Harv Ecker. His story told of a person typing, printing off the paper, and reviewing it. Once a typo was found, they found ways to erase the typo. They reprinted the paper, but again the typo was found, it wouldn’t go away. His point to this story is you have to erase the typos in the blueprint, not the printout. The printout is your experience, and how you’ve processed it. You can’t pretend these experiences didn’t happen. You don’t have to go back and relive them. But, in the same breath, you don’t have to accept them either.

Here’s the secret on how to correct them. The blueprint is who you really are, the author is the one who originates the paper, right? So, I ask that you go back to source; whatever you call your higher power. I call mine God. I’m confident there are typos, but now you know how to fix them, right? To change the typos you go back to truth, which I call source. The truth you are a spiritual being having an earthly experience. The people in your life, those who have crossed your path have scribbled a bunch of lies on your paper and up to this point, you’ve believed them. Believing them keeps you in victimhood so STOP IT!

Other people are not the author of your story, who is?

Exactly, YOU and your energy, your light source, your higher power.

Here are some suggestions on how to begin shifting your mindset from printout to blueprint … once you do this, healing, understanding, awareness, acceptance all begin to flow through you.

Believing you are a spiritual being FIRST gives you the confidence to discern between spirit and ego. Your physical body houses the duality of energy within you. It’s not out there somewhere. It’s WITHIN YOU! Spirit is the author of a higher vibration. The ego is the author of a lower vibration. Spirit is love, kindness, acceptance, and unity. The ego is separation, fear, and conflict. Exercise: You can begin by paying attention to your inner thoughts, how many thoughts do you feel go on the spirit side, how many go on the ego side. This alone is eye-opening. Like an accounting of which energy you lean towards. Take a small notebook with you for a week and separate your pages with a line down the middle; write Spirit on one side, Ego on the other. Be aware, this takes a great deal of awareness, it’s like counting how many times you blink in a day. So if you are an ‘all or nothing’ type personality, you must know you’ll never account every thought you have, because your thoughts happen all day long. Just tally the ones that come to your awareness. Tally as many as you can, there is no right or wrong amount. Once you complete this for a week, it’ll make more sense when you hear me say, please be careful and mindful of your self-talk from now on.
Knowing your coping skills hold emotional attachments gives you a clearer understanding of why they are difficult to release. Exercise: write out all the labels you place on yourself. Are you a mother, daughter, aunt, sister? Do you work at home, outside of the home, what is your profession, are you a boss, employee? What labels define YOU? At #restoredsoul5 we go into all this in detail. Join us on Instagram and be the first to get all the details of what we have planned.

That should get you started. Just knowing I have the power to change MY blueprint, and no one has the power or authority to decide my feelings, my perception, or how to feel. That is on me, all of me, and I love that freedom!