Waking Up ~ on purpose; Less Hope or Hopeless?
I woke up from a disturbing dream. I was leaving a fun activity and jogging to my car when I made a turn and found myself in a mechanic type garage. Doors closed and were locked. I was alone, no way to get out.
I spent my morning meditation seeking an understanding of what emotion this was revealing. I could attach so many. What emotion would you attach to this photo? What emotion would you attach to this kind of dream? My emotion was feeling hopeless.
This dream brought me back to when I was 13. It felt like anywhere I went, I was alone. There were people but I didn’t feel any connection to them. I guess I’d say, I felt alone in a crowd. And, any decision I made felt wrong. I really felt like this time in my life was a dead end. It was dark when it should have been light, easy and fun. But, add in navigating life at age 13 and you’d understand this was a tough time for me! How did you get through your beginning teenage years?
To top it off, I just came home from a girls camp which I had a blast. I felt included by the older girls and enjoyed feeling I mattered. That felt amazing! I knew I was awkward, I also felt I was ugly. My dad had picked me up and the only thing I did was be a brat. I argued about something to cover up the embarrassment of my less than perfect family life. What I remember about that moment in time was how rude I must have sounded, how snotty I was ….. that was the last day I ever saw my dad alive. He was leaving for a fishing trip later that afternoon and wanted to see me before he left. The next morning police arrived at 3:00 am to inform us my dad was in an accident with his two brothers and all three of them died at the scene. Needless to say, I held a great deal of guilt for many years because of my behavior.
To add to my disastrous life, I’ve added my 9th-grade yearbook photo (My maiden name was Jody Fitches) which shows how much I disliked myself during these awkward years. Every school picture I recall, I scribbled mine out. When I look back on that time of my life, it makes me sad.
Lowell High School 9th grade school picture
I don’t believe I’m that unusual in feeling this way at age 13. I guess I just showed it outwardly. I also know many families have imperfect scenarios and teenagers are usually embarrassed that their families are not perfect. I felt humiliated when I had to fill out my school registration and put ‘deceased’ where my father’s name should have gone. Why? Because I was embarrassed my family was not complete anymore.
If you are a teenager reading this, families never fit a perfect mold.
When you get those days when hope has diminished, I’d suggest sitting with it for a minute. Wrap your adult brain around how that feels, and with your adult brain, you will begin to understand life wasn’t so devastating. Spend some time writing down your memories, not to make light of those emotions, but this writing exercise gives your subconscious permission to see them differently. Shifting your paradigm and releasing attachments to emotions that no longer serve you.
Life is a journey, not a destination.
I hope you enjoy the journey,