Why? Am I living in Hell?
Caution: This blog post is written to share vulnerable moments I had this week. Includes a thought of suicide, recognizing my on going feelings of fight or flight, and challenges with mental illness' within my family. I promise to share both, the good and bad!
Here’s the BAD first: I walked out of my mom’s room today, she is currently living in a rehab care center. My mom suffers from advanced dementia which is difficult but along with that, it has brought up previous mental illness’ that have been undiagnosed. It is heartbreaking and soul-crushing for an Empath, like me. My current situation is difficult for sure, but I know I am only one, amongst thousands, who are walking in this same painful path every day. Yes, I have emotional tools to use but some days I’m too exhausted to muster up the energy to use them.
Today I felt overwhelmed. I felt the heavy burdens I have been given. I think of tomorrow and doing my everyday activities seem way too heavy. I want to sleep, but can’t. I want to eat, but I’m not hungry.
My flight or fight trigger has been ongoing for several years now, which has affected my weight and my overall health. I know, this alone is a significant contributor to feeling overwhelmed. IF I had the courage, I would walk away. My family is what keeps me from moving far, far away.
For a brief heart crushing moment, after leaving my mom, I thought if God wouldn’t take her away from this misery, I will take me away. If I ended my life, all this would be behind me. During this, almost calming thought, I felt relief. I actually believed my family would be better without me. I would finally get some peace! I write this because I understand the importance of verbalizing difficult feelings and thoughts of suicide. Suicidal thoughts are a sign of pain, not weakness! I am not seeking help. I am not seeking advice. I am simply sharing. I know there is ALWAYS hope.
Verbalizing removes the power of secrecy! ~jh
My mental conflict: I beg God to take my mom away from this misery she is in, or am I begging God to take this situation away from me?
As I shared my feelings with a friend, they sadly stated, this is what I experience every day! I felt, really felt their hardship within their life. I also felt at that moment, the courage they have to continue living. My honor and respect grew exponentially towards them, at that moment!
Now for the Good: As I walked my dogs, thoughts of understanding began to appear. This is what happens when I am seeking divine guidance on heavy internal questions. I saw this definition on boundaries on FB, thank you, Suzanne Wagner! And it got me thinking.
Let me rewrite it to fit my thoughts towards creating spiritual boundaries. Boundaries between the Ego and Spirit. Boundaries are critical to emotional health.
Why? Because dealing with mental illness, or plain heavy emotional stress isn’t something we naturally make sense out of! We spend so much time striving to make sense of something that doesn’t make sense, that we go round and round until exhaustion becomes the outcome.
Let’s live smarter not harder!
A Spiritual Boundary is a definite place where the Ego tries to overstep where the Spirit resides. The Ego’s purpose is to STOP you from spiritual growth. And, feeling overwhelmed is the Ego’s way of keeping you feeling small, inadequate, and incapable.
Now onto the answer to the questions of how do you apply this into your life and how does this really work?
- Why Spiritual Boundaries are so important?
- How do I create a Spiritual Boundary?
- How can I remove feeling overwhelmed if the situation doesn’t change?
Here’s an approach I invite you to try on…
First, it’s important to understand what is meant by Emotional Fitness. Negative emotions are heavy, which is why we hear; (a) “I feel like I’m being buried alive” (b) “I’m trapped” (c ) “I can’t do this anymore”
Think about that, the more emotionally fit you are, the easier it is to deal with heavy emotions. We all get them, we all face them, but we handle them differently!
Second, our physical body is the vehicle that houses the duality of energy within, positive and negative. Our physical bodies ‘feel’ all emotions, good or bad. Good emotions that are spirit based, feel light. Bad emotions that are Ego based, feel heavy. I believe we came to this earth to experience how to build our emotional strength, to shine our light out into the world, and share love, for raising the vibration of this planet. Feelings, negative or positive, are brought into our lives for the experience.
#1. Why Spiritual Boundaries are so important? Without creating spiritual boundaries we are like a feather in the wind. We go all over the place, without direction. Let me give you a visualization on how I see and understand the Ego, much like as a bratty, spoiled 4 yr old. If you did not establish any boundaries for this 4 yr old, how much confusion would exist? You would soon lose control of any control you thought you had, right? Well, I promise you, there comes a point when you say, “Enough is Enough!” and you lay down the law! At least that is the goal, right?
#2. How do I create a Spiritual Boundary? Change the rules! You must look at your Ego like this 4yr old child, and Spirit (your divine self) as the parent. Your Ego follows the rules Spirit has established and we wonder why life is filled with chaos. To create some sense of order, you must change the rules! Here’s a simple worksheet to test where you are now, showing you where you calibrate, weighing if you fall towards the left or the right? The higher the score or words on the left, the LESS emotional burdens you feel. The lower the score or words on the right, the MORE emotional burdens you feel. Click here for the list of words from the book, “The Power versus Force.”
Next, look over the words on the LEFT and write down the word that resonates the most with you, the one you feel you would LOVE to experience.
Once you’ve chosen the word you seek to EXPERIENCE, put it into this affirmation. If you are ready to take it seriously, print out this affirmation, then say it out loud as often as you can.
I choose to express my gratitude for feeling __________, day by day, moment by moment.
#3. How can I remove feeling overwhelmed if the situation doesn’t change? You change how you experience the feeling. You shift how you process the feeling. Most try to stuff heavy feelings and not address them. They don’t spend time ‘feeling’ them. A powerful way to shift and release the power of heavy emotions is by spending at least 90 seconds feeling the weight it holds. Next, spend a few seconds thanking it for showing up. Love it like you would a hurt child. Then watch how you experience the gratitude towards this gift of understanding.
You are stronger than you feel! When life takes you down, remember, when you feel fatigued, rest! Emotional fitness means you will have emotional fatigue. Much like a physical workout, when you hit the gym hard you get tired, right? REST!
You’re doing great! Hang in there!